the nightmare before christmas

 i've previously mentioned that i love christmas. adore it. this time of year is magical. you watch movies like home alone 2, elf, miracle on 34th street, and they all make nyc look perfect during christmas. and ive subscribed to this for years.

yes you expect nyc to be a certain kind of crowded. you are never going to be standing in rockefeller center alone like kevin, talking to the tree. however, what i experienced on saturday was something like i never imagined. it was less home alone 2, more titanic.

women and children first to see the tree!

phil hates the city. and ive been mentioning that all i wanted to do was see the tree with him at least once and do a christmassy themed day. he surprised me by saying he was up for it and we could do whatever i wanted (score)!

we started our adventure on 34th street by macys. there was a crowd by the window that made it impossible to fully appreciate the story the windows were telling. but the small glimpses i saw were pretty magical. maybe saks 5th ave is on to something by creating an actual line to view the windows? or maybe thats just ridiculous too.

we walked over to bryant park next. you could barely weave through the crowds and around the shoppes lined up. as usual the free skating line was about a 4 hour wait. phil saw the tree there and i told him to just wait until we got to rockefeller, it was so much better.

we ventured up 5th avenue towards the tree and i decided that i didnt want to stop and look at the tree because it was still day light, so it better that we eat first. we ate on 51st street between 5th and 6th (only 2.5 blocks from the tree). when we were done, we walked outside and headed towards the tree. this is when my life became titanic (and there was no leonardo dicaprio to save me).

what do you mean the tree is still a block away?

the crowd was something like ive never seen. thousands of people squished onto the sidewalk. women with strollers and newborns, fathers with toddlers on their shoulders, foreigners trying to lead groups of people in both directions. it was awful, but we eventually got close enough to the tree to ask someone to take a decent picture. on our way out of the madness is when it got, quite frankly, horrifying.

our first, and probably only picture with this tree.

there was this one woman wheeling her daughter (and honestly, strollers should be banned by the tree during christmas week, it is not only dangerous, but really impossible to move around and your 3 month old does not need to see the tree), the kid couldn't have been more than 4 months old. and the crowd started pushing (the type of push that happens at a general admission concert when you have to plant your feet and stick your ass out so no one topples over you). this woman lost it. she said, and i quote "if anyone of ya'll hit my daughter i'm gonna fucking punch you in the face. but if i punch you i'll be considered ghetto, right? fuck you all just back the fuck up! and i lost my god damn man too!" i knew we were headed for trouble.

this picture doesn't do the crowd justice.

next, a woman literally body checks phil (lady the rangers are playing a few blocks over, this is not a hockey game). i had to refocus him and tell him that we needed to get out of the crowd. kids were literally crying, telling their parents they were scared. i saw a girl on her dads shoulders just crying saying she hated the tree. i heard a women yell "i have a child" (similar to billy zane when he tries to get on the women and children only life boat). cursing, crying, screaming, hate for all man kind - the things christmas movies are based off of, right?

after we saw the saks 5th ave light display about 10 times, we were finally ONE BLOCK further. we cut up a side street to try and avoid some crowds, and it sorta worked. but they eventually caught up to us again. i looked across the street and saw a police officer on HORSEBACK. as if this situation wasn't dangerous enough, let's throw a horse into the mix.

fucking horse.

we obviously made it home safe, but it was a christmas nightmare. my recommendation would be to not go on a weekend, maybe avoid nighttime altogether, maybe just watch it on tv. the tree is lit for 24 hours on christmas. maybe if you go at 3am to see the tree you can have your kevin mccallister moment. thats my next plan anyway.

he is alone. this is a lie.

merry christmas ya filthy animals!

http://prollytrue.blogspot.com/2013/12/the-nightmare-before-christmas.html

am i too old for this shit?

start of the night

i am not a party'er. wait, let me re-phrase that. i do not party every weekend, so when i do go out with the intent to party, i really just go for it. balls to the wall. this past saturday was my sisters 21st birthday. apparently car services are afraid of 4 inches of snow, so we had to wait nearly 45 minutes for a minivan to fit 9 people. tight ride.

we ate some apps, drank some drinks, and sang happy birthday at the first bar on our stop. when said sister got 'bored' we decided to skip the second bar and head straight for the third bar on our list.

8 beers and 3 glasses of champagne later, im standing in, what is now freezing rain, trying to hail a cab to get to some grungy lower east side hookah bar. literally walking across three lanes of traffic, stopping buses, cursing at 2 people who got into a ford escape (we were 5 people and the fucking prius wouldnt take us, so we NEEDED that truck) and yelling at a guy in an elf costume to help his santa friend who had fallen down drunk in front of the bar, all while holding onto my champagne glass that i had snuck out of the bar. FINALLY, we get into two cabs (where i rode shotgun for no reason because it was just me and one other person in the cab, everyone else hopped in the 2nd one).

i walk up to the hookah bar and the woman asked me, "what are you doing here?". im sorry, do i know you? like are you surprised to see me out? am i really that much of a homebody that strangers are shocked to see me out after midnight? but alas, she was just checking to see if we had a table reserved.

we ordered two hookahs, some more drinks, danced to some middle eastern music (until it turned hip hop as per my r&b loving sister), and had a really good time. at around 3am  i ventured back outside in the rain to hail my final cab for the night. after some failed attempts (that my mother claims was because i looked like a lunatic and cabbies didnt want to stop, this is nyc, everyone is a lunatic), we were on our way home. our driver, traiforum from west africa, was super nice. he showed me pics of his 3 sons and wife. i told him if i hit the $550 mega mil, id give him $3mil. 

i got home and something came over me, something that comes over a lot of us after a night of super drinking. you become ravenous, youd eat your kitchen table with a little salt if nothing else was available. i stood in my kitchen and ate cold chicken and broccoli, cold lo mein, popcorn, and a bagel flat with butter, and washed it down with a bottle of water and 2 advil. go ahead, judge me, but we've alllllllll been there.

all in all it was a successful birthday night. but i have 2 small bruises and a killer back ache. i also slept until about 1:30 on sunday (which isnt too unusual). it's monday now, two days later and im still achy. i am either too old for this shit or just need to get out more often to stretch my limbs.

end of the night.

wHaT's bEeF?

this past weekend i had an epiphany about internet beef, and how it basically sucks now.  i'd like to give you a brief internet beef history lesson to prove my point: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1UY7eDRXrs

(keep in mind i started using the internet around 1997, height of AOL glory days)

AOL Chat Rooms: this is where my internet beef knowledge was born and formed. you would randomly select a chat room to enter, most of the time not from the kids only section like you promised your parents. many times it was really inappropriate and you were setting yourself up for trolling predators. either way, this is where you can unleash - basically say whatever you wanted. the left side of the screen would have the users name and you'd wait to see someone type something that you could work with and just go at them. if the beef got to be too much or you got bored, you could simply leave the room. leaving that stranger schooled. forever. they would never find you again.

E-Mail: before there was any sort of instant messaging, e-mail was the popular way to communicate. naturally instead of fighting in school, you take to a strongly worded e-mail. the beauty of this was, if you ever got 'told on' everything was documented. so it rarely happened as chances are, you both were in the wrong. you don't have to respond to an email which is awesome because the beef basically ends when you don't reply. you didn't have emails sent to your phone, so you wouldn't see a response for a few hours, maybe days. and if it did take that long to respond, it was probably deaded already. (deaded is so a word by the way)

AOL Away Messages/Profiles: this is basically the old school status. you had your friends divided into categories- giRLSsSs4E or b0y$$$ or La FamiLiAa RidE 0R diE(all perfect examples). if you saw someone online that you wanted to get a message across to but didn't have the balls to actually just tell them, you'd make an away message (probably some song lyric). the main thing to remember though, is it had to be cryptic, but not to the point where it wasn't obvious to the person it was aimed at. you could also do the ol' IM them, then immediately put on your away message so they had no choice but to fall into your away message beef. (i know i'm not  the only crazy who did this) the person would see the message, know it had to be for them and had a choice to either answer or ignore. if they chose to answer, refer to AIM below.

this rule was also applied to the black font, black background profile. you would generally write something like ' people need to close their mouths or watch their backs' in black font, then make your profile background black. the only way this message was ever seen is if someone took the time to clear the background (which we all did). the bfbb (black font black background) also took a positive spin once in a while when it was used for love purposes ' jEsSiCa <3s pHiL aAf 515<3'. 

AIM: this is where beef really started to take a life of its own.(you could even practice your beef with the IM Bots like SmarterChild!) unlike email, AIM was INSTANT. you would hear the door opening sound come from your buddy list, check who it was, and if it was your opponent - game on. the beef would be a back and forth battle, maybe caps lock was used, maybe fonts highlighted in unreadable impact, or maybe just your basic size 10 arial. either way, it was a one on one battle. whether your friends were behind you telling you what to type, you were at the helm, controlling the conversation. once you hit sent, enter or ctrl+enter, you couldn't take back what you had said. it was final. no deleting. the real winner was whoever got their point across, and signed off. the sound of that door closing from your buddy list was the sound of defeat. they basically dropped the mic on your ass. walked out of the room and said suck it.(see 5-7 seconds:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxVQ9rhjyTY)

Facebook: this is where beef goes to die. if you make a cryptic status, anyone (including your 5th cousins bff that your friends with) can comment on it, kind of taking away its power. you write "i hope you die" and your aunt writes "feel better honey". the person who the status is meant for NEVER comments, and if they do, they have an entire army ready to defend their honor. it is never a one on one, hand to hand combat anymore. this form of beef is even more instant than AIM because you probably are getting the alerts on your phone allowing you to answer whenever from wherever you are. their friends will comment and your friends will comment. points will never be made and the focus of the beef will get tossed aside for tangent conversations. there is no winner as you can indefinitely post on someones status and they can delete whatever comments they have made.

i miss the old internet beef. where words were final and conversations actually had an end point. no one brought up the same topic from an instant message 2 days later - but today, someone will comment on a status from a week ago. i guess what im trying to say is , if you'd like to beef with me on the internet, try to IM me (even though i cant remember the last time i signed onto aim) or at the very least write me an e-mail. damn.

people let me tell you 'bout my best friend

i am literally just coming out of my food coma from thanksgiving - and decided to share what im thankful for.

today i was having a really rough day. whatever the reasons may be, it was rough. and believe it or not, i wasn't my usual cheerful self (sarcasm). but it was more than just a funk.

i was on g.chat as per my usual daily routine, and as per my usual daily routine i was messaging my best friend. 

today (as most days) she listened, like really listened. she even comforted me by telling me she was literally going through the same funky forest (we often live the same lives, just separately).

there is never any judgement or shock between us. there is never any pettiness or competition. there is just a true, solid foundation of mutual love and respect. the things great friendships are made  of. without sounding to lez-be-honest, i truly believe she is my soul mate (as they often come in many forms, more than once throughout your life).

so today, on a day where im sure rage is just below the surface in my body, thank you to my best friend, K.L.V.F.. you da bomb!

how rude!

in the notorious words of stephanie tanner, HOW RUDE! flash back to 1:03PM, i walk across the street to Pret-A-Manger, (which i always thought was Pret-A-Manager) to buy an undoubtedly overpriced lunch. ive never ventured into this store before, and after today, probably never will again (this specific location, probably will stumble into a Pret-A-Manger once again in my life).

let me set the scene: a dreary tuesday, raining, cold, 1 day between me and a four day weekend. 

act 1: i forgot to pack lunch so i need something quick. i walk into a crowded glorified deli, spend a good 10 minutes looking over people's shoulders to decide which sandwich i want. i decide on turkey with pesto, which i know wont be super satisfying, but it will do. then i wander over to the soups. butternut squash apple, sold. next a can of diet coke (i know its horrible for you, still not sure why, but whatever, i felt like a carbonated drink today)

act 2: standing on line with one person in front of me, just staring at the food display. it's my turn to pay and this is the conversation that transpired...

pret-a-manger prick: are you sick?
me: no but thats really insulting, because im not sick, but youre telling me i look sick
pret-a-manger prick: no, its just you walked in here all mopey (and to add insult to injury he proceeds to mimic what he thinks my face looks like)
me: (no words for what feels like 10 minutes) im at work and its raining, doesnt really warrant a smile
in an alternate universe where i say what's really on my mind: am i sick? fuck you! do you realize how rude of a question that is? when someone is sick they are generally a lesser version of them self, so are you asking me if i am a lesser version of myself today? no, i am not sick. are you sick? you must be, for asking me that question. or maybe you're socially inept? yes, yes that must be it. ring up my lunch asshole. how are you interacting with customers right now? you shouldn't be. get me a manager.
pret-a-manger: (as  he hands me my card back)have a wonderful day and a pleasant thanksgiving!
me: (i just give him my best 'sick' face glare and proceed out the door)

this sort of conversation should never happen! first of all, i'm wearing make up today so im not even pale looking. second of all, you're just a cashier, even if i was sick, what is it your business? i should have responded, yes i have small pox, is my $30 sandwich free now? 

it is no ones business to tell me to smile more, ask me if im sick, or assume im in a bad mood because i dont sit behind my desk or walk into a store with a fucking smile from ear to ear. if i walked into a store and was gleaming from ear to ear whistling dixie, then, and only then can you assume im sick. call the psych ward asap.

nostalgia

i always find it strange when i know im experiencing nostalgia. its strange because these memories are so fresh, i would swear they happened yesterday. whereas some things, such as where i left a necklace yesterday, is lost on me forever.

christmas is fast approaching and while kids (yea kids, aged anywhere from 6-13) in 2013 are going to be receiving (motherfucking) iphones/ipods/imacs/ipads, the images below are what my childhood looked like. and seeing these images bring me back to such a specific time/feeling.

polly pocket in all her pocket glory. particularly the castle in the bottom left, 

ah hours of fun, on a toy that didnt make a sound.

this was mighty max, the boys answer to polly pocket. granted this was my brothers, i would take it and use it as part of my castle set. hello! mighty max was obviously the prince and had to escape the belly of this giant snake and defeat this scorpion.

this nondescript little tikes chair wasn't really a toy, but it does remind me of being a kid. 

playing school, or standing on it and inevitably falling off and clipping your chin on the way down.

my little pony. i remember having this very one, with the freckles.  i always made her be the 'shy' pony. i dont know why, but she looks shy. and they always had a specific smell to them. 

was that intentional?

again not toys, but childhood is written all over these. my mom still has these in the linen closet.

this mother fucking castle was the bees knees. again this was my brothers toy, 

but god damn if i didnt play the shit out of this castle. hit the red button and the giant boulder comes shooting out! open the gate and the prisoner slides down! check out the black spiked catapult!

WHATTTTT - no better toy. ever.

lastly, my barbie house, which wasnt really a barbie house at all. it was intended for use with this creepy ass bear family. but i made it into the ultimate barbie dream mega mansion. the door was big enough for a 4 & 5 year old to fit through sideways. trust me, me and my brother use to squeeze through.

anywho - if you have a kid or need to buy a kid a present this year (its never to early to start buying - 34 days yall) remember that an electronic does not smell a specific way, it will not transport you to a specific memory, as they will all look the same. i understand that 'times have changed' but kids dont know that until you tell them. let a childhood look like a childhood for fucks sake.

get these mothaf*ckin lists, off my mothaf*ckin page

let me start of by saying, i love Buzzfeed. it is my go-to way to pass time at work or on the bus. i genuinely enjoy reading the different lists and articles that are on there. but lately, there has been a trend going on on my news feed that irks me to no end. (not all of them are from Buzzfeed btdubs) lists telling me what i MUST do before a certain time, age, or life milestone. these lists annoy me.

the trip list:  http://www.buzzfeed.com/henrygoldman/10-trips-you-need-to-take-in-your-20s the title of this video is "10 trips i NEED to take in my 20s" how dare you henry goldman (Buzzfeed Video Producer extraordinaire) tell me what i NEED to do in my 20s. and then make me feel really bad for not taking any of these trips.

the woman list:  http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/news/10-things-women-25 hey cosmo, #1 i don't think anyone knows what the fuck a clarisonic is, 25 or not. also, don't tell me to stop judging. i'm 26 and judging is natural. im judging you right now cosmo. deal with it.

the baby list, my 'favorite' type of list circulating right now (maybe because i am closest to relating to this one):  http://ideas.thenest.com/love-and-sex-advice/dealing-with-relationship-issues/slideshows/15-to-dos-before-baby.aspx?MsdVisit=1this is the MOST depressing list. if you are pregnant, do not read it, you'll resent your unborn babes. all of these, to me, are ridiculous. it makes it seem that life literally ends after you have a kid. you are bound to your house, never to be seen again. (that is if according to this list you have purchased a house before your first kid, if not PANIC, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!) #8 have crazy, carefree sex - because after you have a baby your vagina is no good around these parts. #25 perform a random act of kindness - because once you have a baby, your kindness bone goes out with the placenta.

i get that these are meant to be helpful (right?) but they seem to actually add an extreme amount of anxiety (as if there wasn't enough). did i take enough trips before i turned 30? i can't have a baby in this apartment, can i? and why do i need a toothbrush type device to wash my face (that's what a clarisonic is described as)?

allow me to give you the only list you'll ever need, at any age. (according to me, and i am right. right? right.)

1) be polite and show respect

2) do what makes you happy, whatever it is, at any point in your life

3) you will never be 1000% ready for marriage, a baby, buying a house, graduating college, moving to a new state etc. (no real advice here, just you'll never be ready, no one is, so dont stress)

http://prollytrue.blogspot.com/2013/11/get-these-mothafckin-lists-off-my.html

allow me to re-introduce myself ...

posting a status (stati?) on Facebook has become second nature. good, bad, ugly, or great - it's posted for the world to see. and if it's offensive, funny, witty, beautiful, inspiring - it's never intentional. i just write what i see, hear, or feel. i'm glad so many people can relate to my posts and enjoy them. 

it's been suggested to me numerous times that i start a blog. writing whatever comes to my mind - a longer status, about various topics. at first i told myself i was too busy (not even remotely true), then i thought what if no one reads it (who cares really, what if no one reads my status, it doesn't stop me from posting it), then i thought what if i wrote a blog and people loved it,because i'm brilliant. i decided to stick with this last thought and give it a shot. so here we are on a Thursday, with a headache border lining on a migraine, writing my first blog entry.

for those of you who are friends and family that have enjoyed my Facebook and real life (yes life beyond the book) conversations and quips, welcome! for those of you who are just curious about what jessica bianco, now verdi, is doing with her life since we last crossed paths, welcome to you too! and for those of you who will never comment on a post, and only view this in secret, i'd like to welcome you too, you unsung creepers motivate me most.

this blog will not be politically or grammatically correct (not because i want to be offensive or cruel), but being those things on the internet is a waste of time. sort of like trying to get a celebrity to re-tweet you, which i've done (stooping as low as kathy griffin, but i'll explain that another time). my point is, if you comment on something i've misspelled, or a comma i forgot to put in, or point out the fact that i say midget instead of little people - get the fuck off my blog.