the nightmare before christmas

 i've previously mentioned that i love christmas. adore it. this time of year is magical. you watch movies like home alone 2, elf, miracle on 34th street, and they all make nyc look perfect during christmas. and ive subscribed to this for years.

yes you expect nyc to be a certain kind of crowded. you are never going to be standing in rockefeller center alone like kevin, talking to the tree. however, what i experienced on saturday was something like i never imagined. it was less home alone 2, more titanic.

women and children first to see the tree!

phil hates the city. and ive been mentioning that all i wanted to do was see the tree with him at least once and do a christmassy themed day. he surprised me by saying he was up for it and we could do whatever i wanted (score)!

we started our adventure on 34th street by macys. there was a crowd by the window that made it impossible to fully appreciate the story the windows were telling. but the small glimpses i saw were pretty magical. maybe saks 5th ave is on to something by creating an actual line to view the windows? or maybe thats just ridiculous too.

we walked over to bryant park next. you could barely weave through the crowds and around the shoppes lined up. as usual the free skating line was about a 4 hour wait. phil saw the tree there and i told him to just wait until we got to rockefeller, it was so much better.

we ventured up 5th avenue towards the tree and i decided that i didnt want to stop and look at the tree because it was still day light, so it better that we eat first. we ate on 51st street between 5th and 6th (only 2.5 blocks from the tree). when we were done, we walked outside and headed towards the tree. this is when my life became titanic (and there was no leonardo dicaprio to save me).

what do you mean the tree is still a block away?

the crowd was something like ive never seen. thousands of people squished onto the sidewalk. women with strollers and newborns, fathers with toddlers on their shoulders, foreigners trying to lead groups of people in both directions. it was awful, but we eventually got close enough to the tree to ask someone to take a decent picture. on our way out of the madness is when it got, quite frankly, horrifying.

our first, and probably only picture with this tree.

there was this one woman wheeling her daughter (and honestly, strollers should be banned by the tree during christmas week, it is not only dangerous, but really impossible to move around and your 3 month old does not need to see the tree), the kid couldn't have been more than 4 months old. and the crowd started pushing (the type of push that happens at a general admission concert when you have to plant your feet and stick your ass out so no one topples over you). this woman lost it. she said, and i quote "if anyone of ya'll hit my daughter i'm gonna fucking punch you in the face. but if i punch you i'll be considered ghetto, right? fuck you all just back the fuck up! and i lost my god damn man too!" i knew we were headed for trouble.

this picture doesn't do the crowd justice.

next, a woman literally body checks phil (lady the rangers are playing a few blocks over, this is not a hockey game). i had to refocus him and tell him that we needed to get out of the crowd. kids were literally crying, telling their parents they were scared. i saw a girl on her dads shoulders just crying saying she hated the tree. i heard a women yell "i have a child" (similar to billy zane when he tries to get on the women and children only life boat). cursing, crying, screaming, hate for all man kind - the things christmas movies are based off of, right?

after we saw the saks 5th ave light display about 10 times, we were finally ONE BLOCK further. we cut up a side street to try and avoid some crowds, and it sorta worked. but they eventually caught up to us again. i looked across the street and saw a police officer on HORSEBACK. as if this situation wasn't dangerous enough, let's throw a horse into the mix.

fucking horse.

we obviously made it home safe, but it was a christmas nightmare. my recommendation would be to not go on a weekend, maybe avoid nighttime altogether, maybe just watch it on tv. the tree is lit for 24 hours on christmas. maybe if you go at 3am to see the tree you can have your kevin mccallister moment. thats my next plan anyway.

he is alone. this is a lie.

merry christmas ya filthy animals!

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