oh Oscar

i know, i know - you follow me on twitter and were sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for my every tweet about the Oscars (or something like that). but this was the first time, in a long time, that i watched the entire event, pre-show and all. here is what i thought.


FASHION

 6) Lupita Nyong'o : if you start viewing her attire from the floor up, she's a 10. gorg color for her skin tone, love the deep neck line (busty girls around the world all envied her in that moment), no necklace..tre chic! but then we get to the headband. i don't get it? a headband is meant to hold hair back. she has a super chic hair-do and then it's like her stylist said "oh shit we forgot the headband" and threw it on in the car. maybe some chandelier earrings and no headband next time?

5) Cate Blanchett: this bitch makes me look like Lupita. her dress was literally the color of her pasty skin. and so were the accents of her dress. and her hair. ALL THE SAME COLOR. making it look like she was wearing a dress made of her own, old skin tags.

4) Anne Hathaway: first of all i'm going to go on record and say her smile is waaaay to big. she no longer has the appeal of sweetheart, but for some reason looks like a realllll bitch.  she cut her hair for les mis and no one has told her it makes her look like a tool. that dress was blinding, and not in a "damn girl yo bling is ahmazzzinggg" type of way. it looked like a dress off the rack of JC Penney prom 2014. ears, eyes, nose, teeth--all too big for a short haircut. grow it out, get a tan, and maybe Macy's next year?

3) Liza Minnelli: i know, shes a legend and can wear what she wants, but can she? maybe this was her audition outfit for Aladdin on broadway? she's literally wearing silk pajamas and black orthopedic shoes.thank god no one got pizza oil on her outfit, that shit would've stained like a mother fucker.



2) Kerry Washington: i know that she's pregnant, but come on. she is literally wearing fabric held together by a rhinestone bobby pin. no one should ever wear that material (see also Viola Davis). it wrinkles, is not flattering (even if you are a TWIG) and looks cheap. also just because you're pregnant does not mean you cant accentuate your curves (see Olivia Wilde). kerry is a gorgeous girl, in a frumpy sack.

1) Whoopi Goldberg: what in the actual fuck happened. did she wake up and go "holy shit, the oscar's are tonight!", throw on a pirate shirt, a rando black gown in her closet, party city beads, and say yes, this will work. i mean i know she's like this casual dresser, but it's the damn oscars. what happened whoopi? all she had to do was take off the pirate shirt and it would have instantly been better. and if she's modest, throw on a shawl. anything, literally anything but what she had on would've been ok.


yes there were women who looked fab but where is the fun in complimenting them? they know they're fucking hot.

but let's be honest, the night was all about the men. and their colorful tux choices. 

i LOVED them! lets take a moment to admire....

red hot, am i right?

mature blue

funny man in blue, that color though

is this picture even legal?!

oh, that's just my hottie husband ;)

i digress.

MOMENTS
6) Brad Pitt handing out paper plates
5) Bill Murray's reaction to the singing acceptance speech for '20 feet from stardom' 
4) The ultimate selfie. (it just makes you realize everyone loves a fucking selfie, so selfie haters, shove it)
3) When Ellen talked about Jonah Hill's dick and his adorably cute uncomfortable face
2) When Gravity DID NOT win best picture

Speaking of Gravity. How the hell did the academy even think that movie, was a movie? literally pointless. granted i watched a boot leg, so i definitely missed out on some of the cool cinematography and special effects, but still. worst. movie. ever. the best part was that it was only 90 minutes. i thought the version we downloaded cut off the beginning because it felt like the movie started at some random half-way point. george clooney had a cameo at best, i think he may have even asked to be killed off because he knew it was terrible. sandra's hair is literally disgusting. her barking, oscar worthy. no character development, AT ALL. she told the story of her 4 year old daughter dying, and i did not give a fuck. (this coming from someone who cant watch a commercial without crying) the copy we had actually stopped with 3 minutes left to the movie, and i was okay with never seeing the ending, although we did. and let's just mention that (spoiler) she lands back on earth on what appears to be a deserted island, or maybe there are natives, either way, she is not in the clear, she can still die. and in my ending, she did.

and my #1 fave moment didn't happen at the oscar's, but after. this amazingly epic, epic photo.

'oh so hipster' andy samberg, 'sweet smiling' nick offermen, 'deer in the headlight' adam scott, 'im gonna drop her' bill hader, 'im not strong enough for this' bill murray, 'im too strong for this' paul rudd, and 'she may be sucking my finger' megan mullally - all holding up the amazing 'am i drunk?' amy poehler.

(god why aren't these my friends?)