living the NIGHTMARE

let me just start off with a little story, the story that scarred me for life. i was around 7 or 8, wearing a tie-dye purple dress and matching hat, white stockings, and black shoes. i was in the little girls room in the lunch room of PS 207 (my elementary school). i went into the bathroom, and came out a changed person. i walked out, into a lunch room filled with peers, paraded back to my seat (which was halfway across the lunch room) and that's when someone alerted me to my little friend. my little white friend. hanging from the inside of my underwear, over my stockings, under my dress, and to the floor. toilet paper. i dragged this paper across the lunchroom, and people noticed. and i died. i blame that incident for my fear of public restrooms to this day. my family thinks im nuts, but they don't know the fear.

i will very, very rarely use a public restroom. it must be an emergency. i will only pee at work, limited times per day. this has caused outrageous stomach pains, but it's worth it to me. if someone else comes into the bathroom while im in there, i feel violated. think about it - you are basically sitting there listening to someone else's bodily functions, and maybe smelling them. no fucking thank you. the idea of sharing that very private deed with someone else, is horrifying. this isnt the animal kingdom. this is a workplace. i do not need to know that you pee like a racehorse and then stare at you from across the conference room table.

now i am not just this paranoid because of that one incident (although, that is enough). i am a chronic toilet clogger. and no, it's not why youre thinking. i have literally put 5 squares in a toilet and clogged it! i have been on countless family vacations and had to call the maintenance guy for a plunger. which by the way, why dont hotel rooms come stocked with plungers? why do i have to look a maintenance man in the eye at 3am? why do i have to insist i unclog it, because they ALWAYS want to.

between the embarrassment of that childhood memory and the fear of clogging and no plunger in site. public restrooms are my arch nemesis. and somehow on monday, i faced off with my arch nemesis and i lost.

note this is not actually what happened
just how it felt in that moment.

it was 5:15 on monday. i wanted to use the facilities before i got on the bus to head home. i went in, did my business, and flushed. except, what's this? the toilet didn't flush. so i held the handle down (this may be where i tempted fate). at first the water went down, slowly, very slowly. and i knew something was brewing. then the toilet paper got sucked down, again slowly. then it happened. my literal worst nightmare. the water started to rise. now being a professional clogger, i had seen this before - but never at work. it was going to stop, i was sure of it. but alas, it didnt. at that moment i forgot whether the stall door was a push or pull. i am on my tippy toes, in my own toilet water, panicking.

i walk quietly back to my desk and make an all too familiar phone call to maintenance. then i write a dreaded e-mail to my fellow ladies in the office, alerting them to the shameful disaster that is the bathroom flood. the worst part of it all, no one responded. not even a "thanks for the heads up!" . just judging silence. it's okay, i would've done the same thing.

so basically i will die from a kidney related infection from never using a public restroom again, ever, in life.

oh Oscar

i know, i know - you follow me on twitter and were sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for my every tweet about the Oscars (or something like that). but this was the first time, in a long time, that i watched the entire event, pre-show and all. here is what i thought.


FASHION

 6) Lupita Nyong'o : if you start viewing her attire from the floor up, she's a 10. gorg color for her skin tone, love the deep neck line (busty girls around the world all envied her in that moment), no necklace..tre chic! but then we get to the headband. i don't get it? a headband is meant to hold hair back. she has a super chic hair-do and then it's like her stylist said "oh shit we forgot the headband" and threw it on in the car. maybe some chandelier earrings and no headband next time?

5) Cate Blanchett: this bitch makes me look like Lupita. her dress was literally the color of her pasty skin. and so were the accents of her dress. and her hair. ALL THE SAME COLOR. making it look like she was wearing a dress made of her own, old skin tags.

4) Anne Hathaway: first of all i'm going to go on record and say her smile is waaaay to big. she no longer has the appeal of sweetheart, but for some reason looks like a realllll bitch.  she cut her hair for les mis and no one has told her it makes her look like a tool. that dress was blinding, and not in a "damn girl yo bling is ahmazzzinggg" type of way. it looked like a dress off the rack of JC Penney prom 2014. ears, eyes, nose, teeth--all too big for a short haircut. grow it out, get a tan, and maybe Macy's next year?

3) Liza Minnelli: i know, shes a legend and can wear what she wants, but can she? maybe this was her audition outfit for Aladdin on broadway? she's literally wearing silk pajamas and black orthopedic shoes.thank god no one got pizza oil on her outfit, that shit would've stained like a mother fucker.



2) Kerry Washington: i know that she's pregnant, but come on. she is literally wearing fabric held together by a rhinestone bobby pin. no one should ever wear that material (see also Viola Davis). it wrinkles, is not flattering (even if you are a TWIG) and looks cheap. also just because you're pregnant does not mean you cant accentuate your curves (see Olivia Wilde). kerry is a gorgeous girl, in a frumpy sack.

1) Whoopi Goldberg: what in the actual fuck happened. did she wake up and go "holy shit, the oscar's are tonight!", throw on a pirate shirt, a rando black gown in her closet, party city beads, and say yes, this will work. i mean i know she's like this casual dresser, but it's the damn oscars. what happened whoopi? all she had to do was take off the pirate shirt and it would have instantly been better. and if she's modest, throw on a shawl. anything, literally anything but what she had on would've been ok.


yes there were women who looked fab but where is the fun in complimenting them? they know they're fucking hot.

but let's be honest, the night was all about the men. and their colorful tux choices. 

i LOVED them! lets take a moment to admire....

red hot, am i right?

mature blue

funny man in blue, that color though

is this picture even legal?!

oh, that's just my hottie husband ;)

i digress.

MOMENTS
6) Brad Pitt handing out paper plates
5) Bill Murray's reaction to the singing acceptance speech for '20 feet from stardom' 
4) The ultimate selfie. (it just makes you realize everyone loves a fucking selfie, so selfie haters, shove it)
3) When Ellen talked about Jonah Hill's dick and his adorably cute uncomfortable face
2) When Gravity DID NOT win best picture

Speaking of Gravity. How the hell did the academy even think that movie, was a movie? literally pointless. granted i watched a boot leg, so i definitely missed out on some of the cool cinematography and special effects, but still. worst. movie. ever. the best part was that it was only 90 minutes. i thought the version we downloaded cut off the beginning because it felt like the movie started at some random half-way point. george clooney had a cameo at best, i think he may have even asked to be killed off because he knew it was terrible. sandra's hair is literally disgusting. her barking, oscar worthy. no character development, AT ALL. she told the story of her 4 year old daughter dying, and i did not give a fuck. (this coming from someone who cant watch a commercial without crying) the copy we had actually stopped with 3 minutes left to the movie, and i was okay with never seeing the ending, although we did. and let's just mention that (spoiler) she lands back on earth on what appears to be a deserted island, or maybe there are natives, either way, she is not in the clear, she can still die. and in my ending, she did.

and my #1 fave moment didn't happen at the oscar's, but after. this amazingly epic, epic photo.

'oh so hipster' andy samberg, 'sweet smiling' nick offermen, 'deer in the headlight' adam scott, 'im gonna drop her' bill hader, 'im not strong enough for this' bill murray, 'im too strong for this' paul rudd, and 'she may be sucking my finger' megan mullally - all holding up the amazing 'am i drunk?' amy poehler.

(god why aren't these my friends?)

why this happened ...

i wasn't going to say anything, BUT i'm getting sick of people comparing what Beyonce did on the grammy's to what mylie did on the VMAs.

let me make my first point: SHE IS BEYONCE. (even though i shouldn't have to go on, i will)

two words. gor - geous.

secondly, she is a grown ass woman, who has earned respect among colleagues and the public with her TALENT. she did not come onto the music scene as this sex crazed maniac (ahem ri-ri).  yes, she had a song titled "bootylicious", but it wasn't sexually offensive, it was kitchy if anything, even lame (sorry bey). she wasn't out sleeping with half of young Hollywood, although lord knows she could have. instead she focused on her work. like an artist should. she keeps her private life ridiculously private considering her fame, so if she wants to let us in, then by all means, the people are waiting (and if you aren't, turn the other cheek and let me know so i can cut you out my life)!

oh come on people!

thirdly, she didnt do this sexual performance to get a reaction. and i will confidently say this. she did it, because she fucking wanted to. and when you're the queen, that's what you do. mylie and co. do things just to push the envelope. beyonce doesn't need to push the envelope - she sets it, slaps a stamp on it, mails it to herself, and then sets it on fire.

she does not need your permission.

fourth, she is a married woman. it's not like she's singing about having sex or being sexual with loads of guys or guys she doesn't know or one night stands. the queen is talking about riding her kings surfboard (surfboart as the internet so lovingly puts it). she is empowering the married woman to maintain a hot love life. keep preaching bey, your congregation is in session.

too  much power for one photo, blue had to look away.

fifth, (and not last, but last for the sake of i can go on forever) people find it necessary to mention that she is a mother. she's also a performer, singer, artist, dancer, sex goddess, and wife. so let's not just focus on one of the hats she wears. also, i have a mother, who - how should i say this - is expressive at times. it doesn't take away from the fact that she is a great mother. so when blue ivy is old enough to see this performance, she wont think my mom is a disgusting pig (shell probably be embarrassed cause its her mom) but guess what, later that day they'll go swimming in the turquoise ocean of st. tropez, while jay smokes a cigar on their yacht, and they listen to the blueprint and reminisce about what an expansive career and fucking fantastic life they have.

god damn.