how dare!

this post is dedicated to the spineless, heartless, dick less, soulless, asshole that stole my phone in the staten island mall. i decided to break it into some bullet points demonstrating how you too can have the most stressful two days ever!

• start off saying the day before you need to back up your iPhone, you are then guaranteed to lose it the next day.
• find a room in AC for only $29 (it was showboat, not some seedy off the boardwalk one) and decide you need a well deserved break. hey it's only $29, how can one resist!
• stop at the staten island mall on the way to the AC to look at some living room sets. next, leave the store to think about your purchase, go use that KASE gift you were given. (in case you don't know, KASE personalizes phone cases with your own photos. way to many cases' in this sentence.)
• eat at the food court while waiting for your case to be made, a lovely photo of you and your husband.
• get your phone, and fall instantly in love with the adorable photo. (this next step is crucial when you want to lose/have your phone stolen)
• go to the restroom. place your phone on top of the toilet paper dispenser and LEAVE THE REST ROOM.
• proceed to the crepe stand and notice that your phone is missing (dont worry, it only takes 45 seconds for someone to steal and shut off your phone)
• run back to said bathroom and notice that your phone is gone. run into the security office a mere 10 feet from the bathroom and hear the inevitable news that no one turns in iPhone's  even when they have personalized cases. (exhibit A) or when they see your fucking wedding photo as the lock screen (exhibit B)

  

  exhibit A

  
  

  

  exhibit B

at this point i know that my phone is stolen and i will never get it back. whomever took it was a professional. they turned that phone off faster than i was able to say banana nutella crepe. im not saying it was 100% stolen, i did leave it in the bathroom, but then someone saw my smiling face and took my phone without hesitation. they could've left the fucking case and taken the phone! and let's be honest, its 2014 - who doesn't have a smartphone of some kind at this point? what did the only woman left on the planet with a samsung flip phone enter the stall after me and hit the jackpot? these next few steps must be followed in order to really ensure your blood pressure sky rockets.

• after you are behind schedule to head to AC by 3 hours, go back to the furniture store. the two living room sets you were contemplating between, ball out of control - get the more expensive one. hell, open a new macy's card!
• hit the road for AC, don't gamble (seriously, we didnt), and get drunk.
• head home the next day, and begin the most enjoyable task of calling verizon.
• have them tell you that you don't have insurance, and that if you use your upgrade you lose your unlimited data. 
• ask them what the incentive is to stay with them when other companies offer unlimited? (don't expect an answer, they don't have one)
• realize your only option is to buy an iPhone straight up and then have verizon connect it for you. (you must spend at least 2 hours on the phone with verizon, screaming and bursting veins though) once you are about to have heart failure, your mom offers to pay for the phone as an early birthday gift. (that last part is crucial to your survival)
• the closest apple store? staten island. back into the belly of the beast you go.
• head to the apple store (in your moms car, who you dropped off and you forgot to take the key from. so now one person has to be in the car at all times, because if you shut the car off, it will not start up again.)
• after a few back and forths between your husband and you going into the apple store, getting a new case, and some more arguing with verizon, (everyone who works at apple in staten island has no idea what they're doing and will give 100% wrong information) you will find yourself with a new iPhone 5c in green.

so a weekend that started with a feeling of saving money because we found a room for only $29, ended up being one of the most expensive weekends we've had, ever. there is no lesson here. verizon, apple, staten island - they all suck. and to whoever has my phone (that is useless to you) i hope my face burns a hole into your brain and you wake up nightly from nightmares. you just took over 1,500 photos of mine, numbers, calendar dates, my jay-z videos, and my phone. MY phone. you're the biggest asshole of them all.