Uppers

so i know i haven't posted anything in a while, and trust me it's not for lack of things i want to say, but rather because my actual job has been occupying all 8 hours of my work day (how rude). but today i'd like to discuss something that affects all of us. maybe it's someone in your family, someone at work, or your very own spouse. but in some way, we are all affected by TOUP, the one-upper person. allow me to explain.

Jack: How was your weekend? (TOUP will always seem genuine at first, but this question is really just so they can answer)
Jane: Oh good, had a family party at that new restaurant down town, drank a bottle of wine by myself - so I'm paying for it today.
Jack: (TOUP will never acknowledge what you just said, because they weren't paying attention, they were just waiting for you to finish so they can answer their own question) Yea I drank like 4 bottles of wine, did 3 lines of coke, vomited on a stripper at the even newer restaurant uptown. And i don't even have a hangover. Crazy!

no Jack, or whoever you are in my life, it's not crazy. you're lying. and i can't call you out on it because when i do, the lie gets deeper and the story gets crazier - instead of one hooker there will be 5, instead of drinking 4 bottles of wine you will have drank 12. so instead you get away with always having to one-up me on my story. and it's fine, you just look like an ass.
this person can not resist the urge to constantly exaggerate their stories to make them appear cooler than yours. 

• if your commute was 2 hours, theirs was 3. 
• if you had 3 slices of pizza, they finished a pie. 
• if you can hold your breath for 1 minute, they can hold theirs 1 hour.

Amanda: oh it's so funny, my sisters kid just started talking and she repeated the word ass.
Andy: yea my brothers son said the word dick, hilarious! and then he walked around all day repeating it, we went to church and he said it to the priest. it was great.
(sometimes in a desperate attempt to one-up you, they make them self or others around them, look bad)

Bob: What do you have for lunch?
Beatrice: Tuna sandwich.
Bob: Me too! (and you think wow, no one-upping, but alas...) it's this new kind of tuna, it has zero mercury and was caught off the coast of South Africa or something, they can it and send it to whole foods, its so delicious. it's really expensive, but worth it.

the worst part is we all know someone like this, but dont confront them. or maybe you have and then quickly learned its pointless. so whenever TOUP in your life tells a story or answers a question., we just smile and nod, but on the inside we are like: