FALL bitches

i am going to keep this post short and to the point.

if i see one more post about how WHITE girls love pumpkin spice lattes, and how you must be the only WHITE girl to hate them or how only WHITE girls love fall, i am going to lose my shit. actually i am losing my shit. at first i would chuckle and roll with it, but now it is just plain annoying. whether you love pumpkin or fucking hate it, how did PUMPKIN become about race?! you're telling me young black/hispanic/chinese/etc. girls don't love pumpkin spice lattes? or fall? or apple picking? or uggs? or hoodies with yoga pants?

as a white girl who happens to love all things fall, yes pumpkin spice lattes included, i have taken it upon myself to make sure that if i see any non white girl enjoying a pumpkin spice latte, to knock it the fuck out of her hand.

no john goodman, you are not.

Ray Rice Solution

the fact that there are supporters of Ray Rice, makes me sick. the fact that some of these supporters say "i don't support what Ray Rice did, but come on, abuse goes both ways, she hit him too", makes me sick. the fact that some people say "she's ruined his dream", makes me sick. 

yes there are 'men' who are in abusive relationships, and yes i quoted the word men. i am not saying there aren't women who abuse their husbands verbally and make them feel like shit and belittle them. i have seen those relationships and sometimes they are worse than physical abuse because you don't realize it's happening, because you can't see the scars. but give me a fucking break that there is a man in a relationship being beat the fuck up by his woman. no matter how you twist it, a man is stronger. unless of course this is your wife:

 i think that i am a pretty strong, forceful female (ask my husband for reference) and even on my best day, one punch from me will not leave him unconscious in an elevator for 3 minutes. now if i'm using a weapon of some sort, sure. i have playfully wrestled with my husband and brother and thought to myself, i am really giving it my all right now and my limbs are paralyzed, if this were an attacker, id be fucked. i read an article where a mom commented and said how she had five sons, and was sick of everyone making it like abuse didn't go both ways. i just had a flash of this mom telling her five sons that it's not okay to hit, not even if a woman hits you and these boys thinking that if they hit a woman its self defense or something. IT'S NOT. you are stronger, walk away. abuse shouldn't happen period, but if you are a man claiming that you knocked your woman out because she hit you first, you deserve to have everyone refer to you as a "man" (with air quotes when applicable) for the rest of your days.

the fact that anyone can say "it's his private life, none of my business" makes you a supporter of abuse. that's like having your co-worker walk in with a black eye, tell you she was hit, and you turn your back and say - non of my business sorry. Ray Rice's wife (regardless of your opinion of her for staying with him) is a human being. yesterday i watched about a dozen 9/11 videos and was so overwhelmed with the sense of humanity everyone had that day, and then was brought back to reality with all of these supporters for Ray Rice. where is your sense of compassion now? maybe she's scared to leave or maybe she's stupid for staying, but where is your sense of humanity for a woman who was KNOCKED OUT by a professional athlete? a public figure. someone whom maybe your five sons look up to. if he beat her in private and we never knew, that doesn't make it right, but how could we help if we didn't know? now we KNOW, we have SEEN the footage, and there are still those who say that we should turn a blind eye and continue to support this monster.

lastly, i leave you with this thought. everyone is blaming his wife for his suspension,as if she said knock me out, please, get suspended, i really want you home 24/7 to beat on me. they are saying that hes a great athlete, that it's about taking away his dream of playing football. if his dream really has been robbed, and all he wants is forgiveness and to play the sport that he has dreamed of playing his entire life, then i would propose this to him:

Ray Rice you can play football again, since that is your lifelong dream. You have proven yourself to be a good athlete and have earned a spot in the NFL. Maybe you have made a mistake and perhaps really are sorry and will seek help. And if this is truly all about you just playing football again, putting this terrible mistake behind you, and moving on, we ask that you take the $4 million that you would have been paid this year (i think thats the right amount, i did a quick Google search) and donate it to SafeHorizon.org or any other Domestic Violence charity of your choice. Play the game that you love, that you are devastated has been ripped away from you, for free this year. After all, this is all about your passion for the game right?

#icebucketchallenge

i am not against donating to charity (duh, im not a monster). i am not against raising awareness. i am not against donating to charity and raising awareness in unusual ways. in fact, i am not against what this #icebucketchallenge is doing. what i am against, is what is going to follow....or not follow as a result of this craze. 

my great grandmother had ALS, ive seen first hand what it can do to someone, and it's sad. so by all means, if you want to donate to this charity, please do! but first, read my top 5 annoyances with this entire thing.

thing #1 that bothers me: some people explain the rules, fully. which is to (and i may even be wrong, who knows, but im usually always right) pour a bucket of ice water on your head AND donate $10, should you accept the challenge. if you decline the challenge, you are to donate $100. i've only seen about 2 videos that have explained this. others are just pouring water on their heads and nominating their friends to do the same. i also have not seen one video where there is a link to donate. where am i going? which organization? who is this for?

thing #2 that bothers me: i get that this is for charity, is for a good cause, and with all the negativity in the world its nice to see people donating and pouring water on their head, whatever. and maybe i'm just being cynical, (see above about me usually be right though) but if someone posted to your wall and just called you out to donate $10 without pouring water on your head, or being able to tell your friends/family to do something silly, would you still do it? my point is - are you doing this challenge because you actually give a shit about ALS and finding a cure and raising awareness or is it because you've been called out on a public forum and cant say no or is it that you've already been thinking of who you want to see pour water on their head?

thing #3 that bothers me: people posting a status or commenting about all the good that this challenge has done and statistics they've found. all of a sudden everyone is a journalist and they spend their time collecting data and crunching numbers. did you do this research before or after the water dump? did you make sure you were actually making a difference? and to ease my own mind, i went straight to the source. i emailed the marketing team at the ALSA and asked them straight up if this challenge was doing anything. and straight from the horses mouth, it is. according to them this time last year they only raised around $22K and this year they're over $1mil. so kudos, you sopping wet people have made a difference. ( i like to get my information straight from the source before i spit numbers)

thing #4 that bothers me: any other organization from here on out, that tries to pull something like this will not garner nearly as much attention, and will be seen as a rip off ALS #icebucketchallenge. and what i mean by this is that if tomorrow i video tape myself eating a jalapeno (i know that's worse than pouring water on your head, but you get the point), and then dare 3 friends to do the same or donate to the american cancer society, no one will do it. in fact it wont go viral. it wont go anywhere. you think that if next month, someone comes up with another idea, or even the same idea, all of these celebrities will do it? no. will you do it? no. if i started pouring water on my head tomorrow and asking for donations and to raise awareness for Parkinson's disease, would all the same people who did it for ALS do it? no, which leads me to #5...


thing #5 that bothers me: if you are a charitable person, you do not need a soap box to make donations. i do not make sure the guy behind me at rite aide sees when i donate my change to hungry kids. i do not try to educate everyone at the breast cancer walk on how many lives were saving by walking and donating. i do not try to pretend like suddenly i am an expert on whatever charity i am donating to, just because i have read a pamphlet or have done a google search. along with the good this challenge has done, it has also given everyone a stage to declare their good, the look at how awesome i am complex of the internet is in full swing.

so if you have done the challenge and not donated, you're basically an idiot.
if you have done the challenge AND donated, excellent.
if you have not done the challenge and just written a $100 check (which i am skeptical how many of you actually send them in, i mean i can write a check for $100, tape it, and then throw that shit away...but i digress), i salute you. 

keep raising awareness and keep donating, but please stop flooding (pun intended) my news feed with these videos -__-

and since everyone is a philanthropist, here are some links to donate to a few other charities:

http://alsa.org/ - Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis Association
https://donate.cancer.org/index - American Cancer Society 
http://www.asia-spinalinjury.org/ - American Spinal Injury Association
https://www.michaeljfox.org/ - The Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson Research

office etiquette 101

its come to my attention recently that i am working on a strange planet, in a wonderfully odd office where etiquette and personal space does not matter. now i know i must be on a strange planet, because on planet earth, where everyone else i know is, these things are just unacceptable. but here in my office. they're the norms. allow me to explain.

exhibit A: bodily functions/sounds
i have multiple co-workers who do not understand what a bathroom is or maybe its that they think their desks are sound proof? in my office it is perfectly acceptable to burp, loudly. not just a one time occurrence either. you are allowed to burp at your own desk or if you like to travel, my desk is a perfect burping center. you are also encouraged to sneeze. everywhere. please don't cover your nose. you're just blocking the inevitable cold i will get silly! and be sure to use your hanky when opening the door handle. oh and please, fart. fart at my desk. and then try to cover it up and walk away.

exhibit B: pick a colah
if i wanted to listen to the sound of nails being clipped all day, i'd gladly go get a job at a nail salon. or hell, i'd give myself a mid day mani at my desk. but you know what, take a load off. put those feet up and clip, clip away!

exhibit C: keep it moving
we are co-workers. we are not friends (and to those of you that have 'friends' at work, mazel). when i go home, i do not think of you. so when you pass my desk and insist on making small talk, about the weekend or your cousins brothers wedding (this literally happened to me today), i have to pretend to give a shit. and that's worse than you just passing by my desk and not saying anything. the worst offenders are those that dont even stop for a conversation, just make an unimportant comment. ie: "hope the rain holds out","another day" or my favorite, random noises "ba ba da da". 

exhibit D: lunch room free for all
lunch time is ME time. it is my one hour of solitary confinement where i can catch up on personal stuff, watch some netflix, and just enjoy an hour of not talking. the "lunch room" in my office is not big. three high tables and stools. so i get that sometimes i am forced to sit at the same table as someone. if my headphones weren't a dead giveaway that i didn't want to talk, surely my downward facing head was. but alas, on this strange planet i work on, it just means talk louder to me! i use to wear the headphones to deter people from talking to me, but it stopped working - so now i watch my netflix, headphone free, and loud. this still doesn't stop people however.
just last week i was in the lunch room, watching it's always sunny in philadelphia, and a coworker sits at the table next to me. starts talking about this wedding, and tennessee, and a club, and shit i could not care less about. i even made my phone LOUDER. i did not pick my head up, but once to give a stare. and these were not subtle enough clues. when asked what i was watching, i said "a show". it got to the point where this coworker ruined my hour. i finished eating and went back to my desk after a mere 27 minutes.

exhibit E: confirmation please
oh you sent me an email 30 seconds ago and now you're calling me to confirm i got it and to basically re-read what the email says? oh so you basically like to type unnecessary things, then make unnecessary phone calls, and talk about unnecessary details. just checking.

exhibit F: point out ALL my imperfections
my coworkers (who are no prizes), often point out my physical imperfections. if i have a hive or pimple, they will be sure to say "oh hey you have a hive/pimple". if i was up late the night before and maybe appear tired, they will say "hey you look really tired" or my favorite "are you okay?". when i get a sunburn, they make sure to point it out. forever. i still have one person who insists everyday that i went to the beach. yes jerk off, i got home at 730PM and went straight to the beach. it's called BRONZER dick. if i have a hole in my blouse or a chipped toenail, they will surely let me know. ive even had comments on my roots. MY GODDAMN ROOTS.

for the love of god this is an office. not some swap meet where anything goes. put the clippers away, control your bodily sounds, only stop and chat if its relevant/interesting, DO NOT DISTURB during lunch, stop wasting everyone's time with your overly detailed emails, and my hives - you're giving them to me!

take your kids to childhood day!

hi mom - are you looking for me? yes? then you're a shitty mom, i'm a fucking BABY!

kids today are fucking awful. kids i know in real life included. they are mean, show no empathy, do not think before they speak/act, and are down right bratty and disrespectful.  but my first thought is where the fuck are the parents? and if these are the types of kid this generation of parents are breeding, i do not want to see what types of kid these kids produce. (you get that right?)

my first outrage over kids today started long before these most recent instances, but i just cant take it anymore. literally every other day is a story about a 12 year old murdering or a 9 year old beating their baby sibling to death. and it is not always an accident (http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/pre-teen-girls-stab-girl-12-planned-murder-plot-cops-article-1.1814357) this was a well thought out attack. which they learned from where? oh the internet, where kids get desensitized. 12 YEARS OLD! think about what you were doing at 12. i can say i wasn't plotting to stab anyone. i wasn't glued to my cell phone. i wasn't using hate slurs. i was outside, maybe at a friends house, maybe reading in my room, maybe at my grandmas. 

i hate the excuse that parents give today that if they don't get their kid an iphone or ipad or kindle or coach wallet or whatever it is, that their kid will be left out and feel bad. so let's instead breed these little monsters to just get whatever they want, in fact let them be on the same level as adults. while mommy/daddy checks their e-mail so does little 10 year old Sally, except mommy/daddy  have no idea what websites or e-mails Sally has signed up for because mommy/daddy swore up and down they'd monitor the phone, but alas, they do not. teach your kids that sometimes they don't get what they want and they certainly don't get what adults get and when they ask why, the answer is because I said so. (a childhood favorite of mine that i will certainly use on my kids one day) they will throw a tantrum now, but get over it later. maybe if kids stopped going to school with $800 phones, there would be less muggings or beat downs for these expensive items. just a thought.

i also love the excuse of "well i need to know where they are". how did my mom know where i was at 8 years old? um its part of the job! you're kid should not be anywhere that you don't know about. and if they're that young, they should always be with an adult, whose number you should have to call. or if you insist that a phone is a necessity to an 11 year old, does it have to be the Samsung galaxy 5? why can't you get a pay-per-use flip phone if the phone is solely to call you when they get to their after school destination? because let's face it, it's for more than that. it's to shut your kid up because you're sick of hearing them ask for a phone. you'd rather them just play with their apps then have to actually participate with them - because you are next to them doing the same thing.

now before everyone jumps down my throat. yes i love social media, my phone, and all the likes.  however,  i do not have any children. and i have said it time and time again that when i have a child - my smart phone becomes secondary or maybe even obsolete. (hell without children im ready to rid my life of it) and my child will certainly never possess a phone until at least high school, and even then you can bet your ass i wont be paying $120 a month for them to have a smart phone. (unless they want to work for it-negotiations will come into play) i shared a cell phone with my brother in high school, SHARED. he'd have it periods 1-4 and id have it 4-8. we'd get communal texts and have to relay messages. sure we complained, but we appreciated our separate phones that much more.

you have these young kids on the internet and they are so impressionable and they are using it like the dangerous tool it is. so who cares that two 20-something year olds smoked a joint and took a video? now tell an 11 year old girl that it was two members of One Direction and she's suddenly cutting herself and tweeting #CutFor1D (this is an actual hashtag that trended worldwide) why are they even on twitter?! where are their parents?! how did they see this video?! why do they know what a joint is?! good job with the monitoring you said you'd do parents. why is cyber bullying such an epidemic? because we are letting kids utilize the internet without any monitoring, 24/7/365! no child should have a phone, laptop, or ipad in their room at all times. are you doing homework at 3am or harassing little Peggy Sue into suicide? my favorite is the parents who say "not my kid" or when its too late, "but he was such a quiet good boy". 

i understand the need to "keep up with the times", but its out of control. and quite frankly annoying. what are these kids going to look forward to? when they reach their 20's and graduate college (if they aren't in jail for some heinous crime they learned on a you tube video) what will they look forward to about being an adult? better yet, what will they look back on and miss about being a child?

i miss being able to just run and play and not have a care in the world. ride my bike, scrape my knees, enjoy after school fresh air, hanging out with friends on my stoop, walking around the mall, prank phone calls, going to the pizzeria with my friends, swimming. i certainly don't miss apps from a cell phone. kids have the rest of their lives to stare down at a screen, so do them a favor (because it may be too late for you at this point, but not for them) - take it away now and tell them to go outside.

run as far away from adulthood as you can kids!

the NEVER ending workday

no i am not talking specifically about today (although i could be because today seems to be never ending). i am talking about how the 9-5 work day is officially dead. not only is it dead, but everyone seems to be okay with this idea. I AM NOT.

i remember being in school and thinking that homework sucked. you spent X amount of hours in school only to bring work home. blasphemy! i dreamed of work, a day that had an end, no homework. but alas, there is no end to a work day. work is a 24 hour beast. if someone would have warned me that boss's text, e-mail, and call all hours of the morning/night, i might have stayed in school forever.

i understand that sometimes there is an urgency to get something done. and late nights or early mornings are necessary sometimes, but do you think that the client is waiting for your e-mail at 330am? the answer is NO, and neither am i. 

calls at 11PM, texts at 630AM, e-mails at 330AM. when does the madness stop? (this example to the right isnt even the worst ive gotten, it just happens to be from this week) the thing is, that once you open the flood gate of any time = work time, you are forever screwed. if your company is not paying for your phone, there is no need to give your number, because that allows them to use it after hours and be able to reach you 
w-h-e-n-e-v-e-r. i once answered a text at 10PM on a sunday, and have regretted it ever since. i made it okay to interrupt ME time. and i dont care if that sounds selfish.

the real problem is, that everyone is just totally accepting of this new reality. i once went to a head hunter who told me that if i wanted a job in the "creative" world i should be willing to accept a smaller base salary because with the 14+ hour work days i would be guaranteed over time. im sorry did i really just hear 14 fucking plus working hours! kill me now. and that 14 hours does not include the 2+ hours that most of us are commuting into the workplace.

the new norm is to skip out on lunch, in fact if you take a full lunch hour, your co-workers will likely sneer at you. why aren't you hovering over your desk, shoving a sandwich in your mouth that you ordered from Seamless (because you are even too busy to go downstairs to the deli). you're taking vacation? psh, i havent taken one in 12 years! (i literally know people who have been forced to use vacation time, FORCED!) but it's almost like a badge of honor, to spend all this time at work. it makes you feel insane for wanting to get home quickly, take your lunch hour, use your personal days. the shame i carry with me for using sick days!

im not delusional, i know that everyone has to work. and yes there are people that love their jobs (although i hate that argument, do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life, yea super easy - find a job where i can travel endlessly, answer to no one and make 6 figures a year), but even the job loving folks are working insane hours. you often spend more time with co-workers then in the presence of loved ones. which to me is ridiculous. when people refer to someone as their "work wife" or "work husband" it makes me sick. you have an actual husband/wife (if you do) and you should be going home to them at a decent hour. and if you have no husband/wife, go home to your family - no family, go home to your cat (because you definitely have one).

so please vow to yourself to use your sick days when you're not feeling well, take a vacation - you've literally earned it. need to go to a doctor - skip out no more, that's what personal days are for! take your lunch hour to eat, slowly, and enjoy your meal, maybe even make a phone call to mom. leave on time! pretend that there is a bell like system, like in school, and at 5 it rings. shut down your computer, dont answer that phone, and leave. strut the fuck out of the building.

two way street

love is a two way street. friendship is a two way street. work is a two way street. you must give to get and vice versa. and social media, whatever your vice may be, sure as hell is a two way street.

i am not saying everyone MUST have some form of social media, but what i am saying is if you have a twitter profile with a little white egg as your profile pic, you are telling the social media world that you created this page and it is inactive. you've never tweeted, no pics, not even a favorite to someone else. maybe you created it and didn't like it, that's fine. maybe you weren't sure how it worked. maybe you just completely hated the idea of it. whatever the case may be, you at one point created an account and said account has now been forgotten.this rule obviously doesn't just apply to twitter, it extends to instagram and facebook as well (i use these as examples because they are the three outlets i primarily use, although im sure social media two way street trolls exist elsewhere).

if your facebook profile hasnt been updated since march 2011, i am going to assume you've abandoned ship. you are out, really living life. enjoying the shit out of it and have left us social media junkies to fend for ourselves. instagram account with no photos? maybe a sibling created it under your name and you arent even aware it exists. no problem.

EXCEPT there is a problem. a very big problem.

these ancient profiles and pages that you visit like a burial ground, actually have lurking users. that's right. people will only pretend to be an inactive member of social media, only to slip up one day, and admit their stalking capabilities. we all know someone like this in our life. and nothing irks me more.

social media is a two way street. if i am going to put up sepia photos of my saturday night birthday fiesta, tweets of my thoughts on The Mindy Project, subliminal status' that i want someone to read- but not really, check in at a trendy restaurant - you have to reciprocate! you are not allowed to hide behind your abandoned page and just look at mine and give me nothing in return. that is a one sided relationship, and that does not work for me.

the absolute best case scenario is when you catch someone who is an inactive member of social media society, bring up social media - "did you see what so & so tweeted?" or "yea your status said you were in Mexico". BITCH how the fuck do you know i was in mexico. according to your facebook you havent been on since 2009!  you have no right to know if i'm in mexico without telling me where you've been since 2009. 



social media should be used to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. and if you are not willing to share, you sure as hell aren't going to get the goods on my life. weddings, babies, trips, birthdays, deaths, divorces - you want the drama and gossip and want to stay in the loop, but dont want to reciprocate. get the fuck out of here. either start sharing or i vow moving forward, to delete you lurking jerks. you only pretend to be anti social media and pretend like youre above it, but in fact what you do is worse, so much worse.