its come to my attention recently that i am working on a strange planet, in a wonderfully odd office where etiquette and personal space does not matter. now i know i must be on a strange planet, because on planet earth, where everyone else i know is, these things are just unacceptable. but here in my office. they're the norms. allow me to explain.
exhibit A: bodily functions/sounds
i have multiple co-workers who do not understand what a bathroom is or maybe its that they think their desks are sound proof? in my office it is perfectly acceptable to burp, loudly. not just a one time occurrence either. you are allowed to burp at your own desk or if you like to travel, my desk is a perfect burping center. you are also encouraged to sneeze. everywhere. please don't cover your nose. you're just blocking the inevitable cold i will get silly! and be sure to use your hanky when opening the door handle. oh and please, fart. fart at my desk. and then try to cover it up and walk away.
exhibit B: pick a colah
if i wanted to listen to the sound of nails being clipped all day, i'd gladly go get a job at a nail salon. or hell, i'd give myself a mid day mani at my desk. but you know what, take a load off. put those feet up and clip, clip away!
exhibit C: keep it moving
we are co-workers. we are not friends (and to those of you that have 'friends' at work, mazel). when i go home, i do not think of you. so when you pass my desk and insist on making small talk, about the weekend or your cousins brothers wedding (this literally happened to me today), i have to pretend to give a shit. and that's worse than you just passing by my desk and not saying anything. the worst offenders are those that dont even stop for a conversation, just make an unimportant comment. ie: "hope the rain holds out","another day" or my favorite, random noises "ba ba da da".
exhibit D: lunch room free for all
lunch time is ME time. it is my one hour of solitary confinement where i can catch up on personal stuff, watch some netflix, and just enjoy an hour of not talking. the "lunch room" in my office is not big. three high tables and stools. so i get that sometimes i am forced to sit at the same table as someone. if my headphones weren't a dead giveaway that i didn't want to talk, surely my downward facing head was. but alas, on this strange planet i work on, it just means talk louder to me! i use to wear the headphones to deter people from talking to me, but it stopped working - so now i watch my netflix, headphone free, and loud. this still doesn't stop people however.
just last week i was in the lunch room, watching it's always sunny in philadelphia, and a coworker sits at the table next to me. starts talking about this wedding, and tennessee, and a club, and shit i could not care less about. i even made my phone LOUDER. i did not pick my head up, but once to give a stare. and these were not subtle enough clues. when asked what i was watching, i said "a show". it got to the point where this coworker ruined my hour. i finished eating and went back to my desk after a mere 27 minutes.
exhibit E: confirmation please
oh you sent me an email 30 seconds ago and now you're calling me to confirm i got it and to basically re-read what the email says? oh so you basically like to type unnecessary things, then make unnecessary phone calls, and talk about unnecessary details. just checking.
exhibit F: point out ALL my imperfections
my coworkers (who are no prizes), often point out my physical imperfections. if i have a hive or pimple, they will be sure to say "oh hey you have a hive/pimple". if i was up late the night before and maybe appear tired, they will say "hey you look really tired" or my favorite "are you okay?". when i get a sunburn, they make sure to point it out. forever. i still have one person who insists everyday that i went to the beach. yes jerk off, i got home at 730PM and went straight to the beach. it's called BRONZER dick. if i have a hole in my blouse or a chipped toenail, they will surely let me know. ive even had comments on my roots. MY GODDAMN ROOTS.
for the love of god this is an office. not some swap meet where anything goes. put the clippers away, control your bodily sounds, only stop and chat if its relevant/interesting, DO NOT DISTURB during lunch, stop wasting everyone's time with your overly detailed emails, and my hives - you're giving them to me!
