office etiquette 101

its come to my attention recently that i am working on a strange planet, in a wonderfully odd office where etiquette and personal space does not matter. now i know i must be on a strange planet, because on planet earth, where everyone else i know is, these things are just unacceptable. but here in my office. they're the norms. allow me to explain.

exhibit A: bodily functions/sounds
i have multiple co-workers who do not understand what a bathroom is or maybe its that they think their desks are sound proof? in my office it is perfectly acceptable to burp, loudly. not just a one time occurrence either. you are allowed to burp at your own desk or if you like to travel, my desk is a perfect burping center. you are also encouraged to sneeze. everywhere. please don't cover your nose. you're just blocking the inevitable cold i will get silly! and be sure to use your hanky when opening the door handle. oh and please, fart. fart at my desk. and then try to cover it up and walk away.

exhibit B: pick a colah
if i wanted to listen to the sound of nails being clipped all day, i'd gladly go get a job at a nail salon. or hell, i'd give myself a mid day mani at my desk. but you know what, take a load off. put those feet up and clip, clip away!

exhibit C: keep it moving
we are co-workers. we are not friends (and to those of you that have 'friends' at work, mazel). when i go home, i do not think of you. so when you pass my desk and insist on making small talk, about the weekend or your cousins brothers wedding (this literally happened to me today), i have to pretend to give a shit. and that's worse than you just passing by my desk and not saying anything. the worst offenders are those that dont even stop for a conversation, just make an unimportant comment. ie: "hope the rain holds out","another day" or my favorite, random noises "ba ba da da". 

exhibit D: lunch room free for all
lunch time is ME time. it is my one hour of solitary confinement where i can catch up on personal stuff, watch some netflix, and just enjoy an hour of not talking. the "lunch room" in my office is not big. three high tables and stools. so i get that sometimes i am forced to sit at the same table as someone. if my headphones weren't a dead giveaway that i didn't want to talk, surely my downward facing head was. but alas, on this strange planet i work on, it just means talk louder to me! i use to wear the headphones to deter people from talking to me, but it stopped working - so now i watch my netflix, headphone free, and loud. this still doesn't stop people however.
just last week i was in the lunch room, watching it's always sunny in philadelphia, and a coworker sits at the table next to me. starts talking about this wedding, and tennessee, and a club, and shit i could not care less about. i even made my phone LOUDER. i did not pick my head up, but once to give a stare. and these were not subtle enough clues. when asked what i was watching, i said "a show". it got to the point where this coworker ruined my hour. i finished eating and went back to my desk after a mere 27 minutes.

exhibit E: confirmation please
oh you sent me an email 30 seconds ago and now you're calling me to confirm i got it and to basically re-read what the email says? oh so you basically like to type unnecessary things, then make unnecessary phone calls, and talk about unnecessary details. just checking.

exhibit F: point out ALL my imperfections
my coworkers (who are no prizes), often point out my physical imperfections. if i have a hive or pimple, they will be sure to say "oh hey you have a hive/pimple". if i was up late the night before and maybe appear tired, they will say "hey you look really tired" or my favorite "are you okay?". when i get a sunburn, they make sure to point it out. forever. i still have one person who insists everyday that i went to the beach. yes jerk off, i got home at 730PM and went straight to the beach. it's called BRONZER dick. if i have a hole in my blouse or a chipped toenail, they will surely let me know. ive even had comments on my roots. MY GODDAMN ROOTS.

for the love of god this is an office. not some swap meet where anything goes. put the clippers away, control your bodily sounds, only stop and chat if its relevant/interesting, DO NOT DISTURB during lunch, stop wasting everyone's time with your overly detailed emails, and my hives - you're giving them to me!

take your kids to childhood day!

hi mom - are you looking for me? yes? then you're a shitty mom, i'm a fucking BABY!

kids today are fucking awful. kids i know in real life included. they are mean, show no empathy, do not think before they speak/act, and are down right bratty and disrespectful.  but my first thought is where the fuck are the parents? and if these are the types of kid this generation of parents are breeding, i do not want to see what types of kid these kids produce. (you get that right?)

my first outrage over kids today started long before these most recent instances, but i just cant take it anymore. literally every other day is a story about a 12 year old murdering or a 9 year old beating their baby sibling to death. and it is not always an accident (http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/pre-teen-girls-stab-girl-12-planned-murder-plot-cops-article-1.1814357) this was a well thought out attack. which they learned from where? oh the internet, where kids get desensitized. 12 YEARS OLD! think about what you were doing at 12. i can say i wasn't plotting to stab anyone. i wasn't glued to my cell phone. i wasn't using hate slurs. i was outside, maybe at a friends house, maybe reading in my room, maybe at my grandmas. 

i hate the excuse that parents give today that if they don't get their kid an iphone or ipad or kindle or coach wallet or whatever it is, that their kid will be left out and feel bad. so let's instead breed these little monsters to just get whatever they want, in fact let them be on the same level as adults. while mommy/daddy checks their e-mail so does little 10 year old Sally, except mommy/daddy  have no idea what websites or e-mails Sally has signed up for because mommy/daddy swore up and down they'd monitor the phone, but alas, they do not. teach your kids that sometimes they don't get what they want and they certainly don't get what adults get and when they ask why, the answer is because I said so. (a childhood favorite of mine that i will certainly use on my kids one day) they will throw a tantrum now, but get over it later. maybe if kids stopped going to school with $800 phones, there would be less muggings or beat downs for these expensive items. just a thought.

i also love the excuse of "well i need to know where they are". how did my mom know where i was at 8 years old? um its part of the job! you're kid should not be anywhere that you don't know about. and if they're that young, they should always be with an adult, whose number you should have to call. or if you insist that a phone is a necessity to an 11 year old, does it have to be the Samsung galaxy 5? why can't you get a pay-per-use flip phone if the phone is solely to call you when they get to their after school destination? because let's face it, it's for more than that. it's to shut your kid up because you're sick of hearing them ask for a phone. you'd rather them just play with their apps then have to actually participate with them - because you are next to them doing the same thing.

now before everyone jumps down my throat. yes i love social media, my phone, and all the likes.  however,  i do not have any children. and i have said it time and time again that when i have a child - my smart phone becomes secondary or maybe even obsolete. (hell without children im ready to rid my life of it) and my child will certainly never possess a phone until at least high school, and even then you can bet your ass i wont be paying $120 a month for them to have a smart phone. (unless they want to work for it-negotiations will come into play) i shared a cell phone with my brother in high school, SHARED. he'd have it periods 1-4 and id have it 4-8. we'd get communal texts and have to relay messages. sure we complained, but we appreciated our separate phones that much more.

you have these young kids on the internet and they are so impressionable and they are using it like the dangerous tool it is. so who cares that two 20-something year olds smoked a joint and took a video? now tell an 11 year old girl that it was two members of One Direction and she's suddenly cutting herself and tweeting #CutFor1D (this is an actual hashtag that trended worldwide) why are they even on twitter?! where are their parents?! how did they see this video?! why do they know what a joint is?! good job with the monitoring you said you'd do parents. why is cyber bullying such an epidemic? because we are letting kids utilize the internet without any monitoring, 24/7/365! no child should have a phone, laptop, or ipad in their room at all times. are you doing homework at 3am or harassing little Peggy Sue into suicide? my favorite is the parents who say "not my kid" or when its too late, "but he was such a quiet good boy". 

i understand the need to "keep up with the times", but its out of control. and quite frankly annoying. what are these kids going to look forward to? when they reach their 20's and graduate college (if they aren't in jail for some heinous crime they learned on a you tube video) what will they look forward to about being an adult? better yet, what will they look back on and miss about being a child?

i miss being able to just run and play and not have a care in the world. ride my bike, scrape my knees, enjoy after school fresh air, hanging out with friends on my stoop, walking around the mall, prank phone calls, going to the pizzeria with my friends, swimming. i certainly don't miss apps from a cell phone. kids have the rest of their lives to stare down at a screen, so do them a favor (because it may be too late for you at this point, but not for them) - take it away now and tell them to go outside.

run as far away from adulthood as you can kids!

the NEVER ending workday

no i am not talking specifically about today (although i could be because today seems to be never ending). i am talking about how the 9-5 work day is officially dead. not only is it dead, but everyone seems to be okay with this idea. I AM NOT.

i remember being in school and thinking that homework sucked. you spent X amount of hours in school only to bring work home. blasphemy! i dreamed of work, a day that had an end, no homework. but alas, there is no end to a work day. work is a 24 hour beast. if someone would have warned me that boss's text, e-mail, and call all hours of the morning/night, i might have stayed in school forever.

i understand that sometimes there is an urgency to get something done. and late nights or early mornings are necessary sometimes, but do you think that the client is waiting for your e-mail at 330am? the answer is NO, and neither am i. 

calls at 11PM, texts at 630AM, e-mails at 330AM. when does the madness stop? (this example to the right isnt even the worst ive gotten, it just happens to be from this week) the thing is, that once you open the flood gate of any time = work time, you are forever screwed. if your company is not paying for your phone, there is no need to give your number, because that allows them to use it after hours and be able to reach you 
w-h-e-n-e-v-e-r. i once answered a text at 10PM on a sunday, and have regretted it ever since. i made it okay to interrupt ME time. and i dont care if that sounds selfish.

the real problem is, that everyone is just totally accepting of this new reality. i once went to a head hunter who told me that if i wanted a job in the "creative" world i should be willing to accept a smaller base salary because with the 14+ hour work days i would be guaranteed over time. im sorry did i really just hear 14 fucking plus working hours! kill me now. and that 14 hours does not include the 2+ hours that most of us are commuting into the workplace.

the new norm is to skip out on lunch, in fact if you take a full lunch hour, your co-workers will likely sneer at you. why aren't you hovering over your desk, shoving a sandwich in your mouth that you ordered from Seamless (because you are even too busy to go downstairs to the deli). you're taking vacation? psh, i havent taken one in 12 years! (i literally know people who have been forced to use vacation time, FORCED!) but it's almost like a badge of honor, to spend all this time at work. it makes you feel insane for wanting to get home quickly, take your lunch hour, use your personal days. the shame i carry with me for using sick days!

im not delusional, i know that everyone has to work. and yes there are people that love their jobs (although i hate that argument, do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life, yea super easy - find a job where i can travel endlessly, answer to no one and make 6 figures a year), but even the job loving folks are working insane hours. you often spend more time with co-workers then in the presence of loved ones. which to me is ridiculous. when people refer to someone as their "work wife" or "work husband" it makes me sick. you have an actual husband/wife (if you do) and you should be going home to them at a decent hour. and if you have no husband/wife, go home to your family - no family, go home to your cat (because you definitely have one).

so please vow to yourself to use your sick days when you're not feeling well, take a vacation - you've literally earned it. need to go to a doctor - skip out no more, that's what personal days are for! take your lunch hour to eat, slowly, and enjoy your meal, maybe even make a phone call to mom. leave on time! pretend that there is a bell like system, like in school, and at 5 it rings. shut down your computer, dont answer that phone, and leave. strut the fuck out of the building.

two way street

love is a two way street. friendship is a two way street. work is a two way street. you must give to get and vice versa. and social media, whatever your vice may be, sure as hell is a two way street.

i am not saying everyone MUST have some form of social media, but what i am saying is if you have a twitter profile with a little white egg as your profile pic, you are telling the social media world that you created this page and it is inactive. you've never tweeted, no pics, not even a favorite to someone else. maybe you created it and didn't like it, that's fine. maybe you weren't sure how it worked. maybe you just completely hated the idea of it. whatever the case may be, you at one point created an account and said account has now been forgotten.this rule obviously doesn't just apply to twitter, it extends to instagram and facebook as well (i use these as examples because they are the three outlets i primarily use, although im sure social media two way street trolls exist elsewhere).

if your facebook profile hasnt been updated since march 2011, i am going to assume you've abandoned ship. you are out, really living life. enjoying the shit out of it and have left us social media junkies to fend for ourselves. instagram account with no photos? maybe a sibling created it under your name and you arent even aware it exists. no problem.

EXCEPT there is a problem. a very big problem.

these ancient profiles and pages that you visit like a burial ground, actually have lurking users. that's right. people will only pretend to be an inactive member of social media, only to slip up one day, and admit their stalking capabilities. we all know someone like this in our life. and nothing irks me more.

social media is a two way street. if i am going to put up sepia photos of my saturday night birthday fiesta, tweets of my thoughts on The Mindy Project, subliminal status' that i want someone to read- but not really, check in at a trendy restaurant - you have to reciprocate! you are not allowed to hide behind your abandoned page and just look at mine and give me nothing in return. that is a one sided relationship, and that does not work for me.

the absolute best case scenario is when you catch someone who is an inactive member of social media society, bring up social media - "did you see what so & so tweeted?" or "yea your status said you were in Mexico". BITCH how the fuck do you know i was in mexico. according to your facebook you havent been on since 2009!  you have no right to know if i'm in mexico without telling me where you've been since 2009. 



social media should be used to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. and if you are not willing to share, you sure as hell aren't going to get the goods on my life. weddings, babies, trips, birthdays, deaths, divorces - you want the drama and gossip and want to stay in the loop, but dont want to reciprocate. get the fuck out of here. either start sharing or i vow moving forward, to delete you lurking jerks. you only pretend to be anti social media and pretend like youre above it, but in fact what you do is worse, so much worse.

Uppers

so i know i haven't posted anything in a while, and trust me it's not for lack of things i want to say, but rather because my actual job has been occupying all 8 hours of my work day (how rude). but today i'd like to discuss something that affects all of us. maybe it's someone in your family, someone at work, or your very own spouse. but in some way, we are all affected by TOUP, the one-upper person. allow me to explain.

Jack: How was your weekend? (TOUP will always seem genuine at first, but this question is really just so they can answer)
Jane: Oh good, had a family party at that new restaurant down town, drank a bottle of wine by myself - so I'm paying for it today.
Jack: (TOUP will never acknowledge what you just said, because they weren't paying attention, they were just waiting for you to finish so they can answer their own question) Yea I drank like 4 bottles of wine, did 3 lines of coke, vomited on a stripper at the even newer restaurant uptown. And i don't even have a hangover. Crazy!

no Jack, or whoever you are in my life, it's not crazy. you're lying. and i can't call you out on it because when i do, the lie gets deeper and the story gets crazier - instead of one hooker there will be 5, instead of drinking 4 bottles of wine you will have drank 12. so instead you get away with always having to one-up me on my story. and it's fine, you just look like an ass.
this person can not resist the urge to constantly exaggerate their stories to make them appear cooler than yours. 

• if your commute was 2 hours, theirs was 3. 
• if you had 3 slices of pizza, they finished a pie. 
• if you can hold your breath for 1 minute, they can hold theirs 1 hour.

Amanda: oh it's so funny, my sisters kid just started talking and she repeated the word ass.
Andy: yea my brothers son said the word dick, hilarious! and then he walked around all day repeating it, we went to church and he said it to the priest. it was great.
(sometimes in a desperate attempt to one-up you, they make them self or others around them, look bad)

Bob: What do you have for lunch?
Beatrice: Tuna sandwich.
Bob: Me too! (and you think wow, no one-upping, but alas...) it's this new kind of tuna, it has zero mercury and was caught off the coast of South Africa or something, they can it and send it to whole foods, its so delicious. it's really expensive, but worth it.

the worst part is we all know someone like this, but dont confront them. or maybe you have and then quickly learned its pointless. so whenever TOUP in your life tells a story or answers a question., we just smile and nod, but on the inside we are like:

living the NIGHTMARE

let me just start off with a little story, the story that scarred me for life. i was around 7 or 8, wearing a tie-dye purple dress and matching hat, white stockings, and black shoes. i was in the little girls room in the lunch room of PS 207 (my elementary school). i went into the bathroom, and came out a changed person. i walked out, into a lunch room filled with peers, paraded back to my seat (which was halfway across the lunch room) and that's when someone alerted me to my little friend. my little white friend. hanging from the inside of my underwear, over my stockings, under my dress, and to the floor. toilet paper. i dragged this paper across the lunchroom, and people noticed. and i died. i blame that incident for my fear of public restrooms to this day. my family thinks im nuts, but they don't know the fear.

i will very, very rarely use a public restroom. it must be an emergency. i will only pee at work, limited times per day. this has caused outrageous stomach pains, but it's worth it to me. if someone else comes into the bathroom while im in there, i feel violated. think about it - you are basically sitting there listening to someone else's bodily functions, and maybe smelling them. no fucking thank you. the idea of sharing that very private deed with someone else, is horrifying. this isnt the animal kingdom. this is a workplace. i do not need to know that you pee like a racehorse and then stare at you from across the conference room table.

now i am not just this paranoid because of that one incident (although, that is enough). i am a chronic toilet clogger. and no, it's not why youre thinking. i have literally put 5 squares in a toilet and clogged it! i have been on countless family vacations and had to call the maintenance guy for a plunger. which by the way, why dont hotel rooms come stocked with plungers? why do i have to look a maintenance man in the eye at 3am? why do i have to insist i unclog it, because they ALWAYS want to.

between the embarrassment of that childhood memory and the fear of clogging and no plunger in site. public restrooms are my arch nemesis. and somehow on monday, i faced off with my arch nemesis and i lost.

note this is not actually what happened
just how it felt in that moment.

it was 5:15 on monday. i wanted to use the facilities before i got on the bus to head home. i went in, did my business, and flushed. except, what's this? the toilet didn't flush. so i held the handle down (this may be where i tempted fate). at first the water went down, slowly, very slowly. and i knew something was brewing. then the toilet paper got sucked down, again slowly. then it happened. my literal worst nightmare. the water started to rise. now being a professional clogger, i had seen this before - but never at work. it was going to stop, i was sure of it. but alas, it didnt. at that moment i forgot whether the stall door was a push or pull. i am on my tippy toes, in my own toilet water, panicking.

i walk quietly back to my desk and make an all too familiar phone call to maintenance. then i write a dreaded e-mail to my fellow ladies in the office, alerting them to the shameful disaster that is the bathroom flood. the worst part of it all, no one responded. not even a "thanks for the heads up!" . just judging silence. it's okay, i would've done the same thing.

so basically i will die from a kidney related infection from never using a public restroom again, ever, in life.

oh Oscar

i know, i know - you follow me on twitter and were sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for my every tweet about the Oscars (or something like that). but this was the first time, in a long time, that i watched the entire event, pre-show and all. here is what i thought.


FASHION

 6) Lupita Nyong'o : if you start viewing her attire from the floor up, she's a 10. gorg color for her skin tone, love the deep neck line (busty girls around the world all envied her in that moment), no necklace..tre chic! but then we get to the headband. i don't get it? a headband is meant to hold hair back. she has a super chic hair-do and then it's like her stylist said "oh shit we forgot the headband" and threw it on in the car. maybe some chandelier earrings and no headband next time?

5) Cate Blanchett: this bitch makes me look like Lupita. her dress was literally the color of her pasty skin. and so were the accents of her dress. and her hair. ALL THE SAME COLOR. making it look like she was wearing a dress made of her own, old skin tags.

4) Anne Hathaway: first of all i'm going to go on record and say her smile is waaaay to big. she no longer has the appeal of sweetheart, but for some reason looks like a realllll bitch.  she cut her hair for les mis and no one has told her it makes her look like a tool. that dress was blinding, and not in a "damn girl yo bling is ahmazzzinggg" type of way. it looked like a dress off the rack of JC Penney prom 2014. ears, eyes, nose, teeth--all too big for a short haircut. grow it out, get a tan, and maybe Macy's next year?

3) Liza Minnelli: i know, shes a legend and can wear what she wants, but can she? maybe this was her audition outfit for Aladdin on broadway? she's literally wearing silk pajamas and black orthopedic shoes.thank god no one got pizza oil on her outfit, that shit would've stained like a mother fucker.



2) Kerry Washington: i know that she's pregnant, but come on. she is literally wearing fabric held together by a rhinestone bobby pin. no one should ever wear that material (see also Viola Davis). it wrinkles, is not flattering (even if you are a TWIG) and looks cheap. also just because you're pregnant does not mean you cant accentuate your curves (see Olivia Wilde). kerry is a gorgeous girl, in a frumpy sack.

1) Whoopi Goldberg: what in the actual fuck happened. did she wake up and go "holy shit, the oscar's are tonight!", throw on a pirate shirt, a rando black gown in her closet, party city beads, and say yes, this will work. i mean i know she's like this casual dresser, but it's the damn oscars. what happened whoopi? all she had to do was take off the pirate shirt and it would have instantly been better. and if she's modest, throw on a shawl. anything, literally anything but what she had on would've been ok.


yes there were women who looked fab but where is the fun in complimenting them? they know they're fucking hot.

but let's be honest, the night was all about the men. and their colorful tux choices. 

i LOVED them! lets take a moment to admire....

red hot, am i right?

mature blue

funny man in blue, that color though

is this picture even legal?!

oh, that's just my hottie husband ;)

i digress.

MOMENTS
6) Brad Pitt handing out paper plates
5) Bill Murray's reaction to the singing acceptance speech for '20 feet from stardom' 
4) The ultimate selfie. (it just makes you realize everyone loves a fucking selfie, so selfie haters, shove it)
3) When Ellen talked about Jonah Hill's dick and his adorably cute uncomfortable face
2) When Gravity DID NOT win best picture

Speaking of Gravity. How the hell did the academy even think that movie, was a movie? literally pointless. granted i watched a boot leg, so i definitely missed out on some of the cool cinematography and special effects, but still. worst. movie. ever. the best part was that it was only 90 minutes. i thought the version we downloaded cut off the beginning because it felt like the movie started at some random half-way point. george clooney had a cameo at best, i think he may have even asked to be killed off because he knew it was terrible. sandra's hair is literally disgusting. her barking, oscar worthy. no character development, AT ALL. she told the story of her 4 year old daughter dying, and i did not give a fuck. (this coming from someone who cant watch a commercial without crying) the copy we had actually stopped with 3 minutes left to the movie, and i was okay with never seeing the ending, although we did. and let's just mention that (spoiler) she lands back on earth on what appears to be a deserted island, or maybe there are natives, either way, she is not in the clear, she can still die. and in my ending, she did.

and my #1 fave moment didn't happen at the oscar's, but after. this amazingly epic, epic photo.

'oh so hipster' andy samberg, 'sweet smiling' nick offermen, 'deer in the headlight' adam scott, 'im gonna drop her' bill hader, 'im not strong enough for this' bill murray, 'im too strong for this' paul rudd, and 'she may be sucking my finger' megan mullally - all holding up the amazing 'am i drunk?' amy poehler.

(god why aren't these my friends?)