two way street

love is a two way street. friendship is a two way street. work is a two way street. you must give to get and vice versa. and social media, whatever your vice may be, sure as hell is a two way street.

i am not saying everyone MUST have some form of social media, but what i am saying is if you have a twitter profile with a little white egg as your profile pic, you are telling the social media world that you created this page and it is inactive. you've never tweeted, no pics, not even a favorite to someone else. maybe you created it and didn't like it, that's fine. maybe you weren't sure how it worked. maybe you just completely hated the idea of it. whatever the case may be, you at one point created an account and said account has now been forgotten.this rule obviously doesn't just apply to twitter, it extends to instagram and facebook as well (i use these as examples because they are the three outlets i primarily use, although im sure social media two way street trolls exist elsewhere).

if your facebook profile hasnt been updated since march 2011, i am going to assume you've abandoned ship. you are out, really living life. enjoying the shit out of it and have left us social media junkies to fend for ourselves. instagram account with no photos? maybe a sibling created it under your name and you arent even aware it exists. no problem.

EXCEPT there is a problem. a very big problem.

these ancient profiles and pages that you visit like a burial ground, actually have lurking users. that's right. people will only pretend to be an inactive member of social media, only to slip up one day, and admit their stalking capabilities. we all know someone like this in our life. and nothing irks me more.

social media is a two way street. if i am going to put up sepia photos of my saturday night birthday fiesta, tweets of my thoughts on The Mindy Project, subliminal status' that i want someone to read- but not really, check in at a trendy restaurant - you have to reciprocate! you are not allowed to hide behind your abandoned page and just look at mine and give me nothing in return. that is a one sided relationship, and that does not work for me.

the absolute best case scenario is when you catch someone who is an inactive member of social media society, bring up social media - "did you see what so & so tweeted?" or "yea your status said you were in Mexico". BITCH how the fuck do you know i was in mexico. according to your facebook you havent been on since 2009!  you have no right to know if i'm in mexico without telling me where you've been since 2009. 



social media should be used to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. and if you are not willing to share, you sure as hell aren't going to get the goods on my life. weddings, babies, trips, birthdays, deaths, divorces - you want the drama and gossip and want to stay in the loop, but dont want to reciprocate. get the fuck out of here. either start sharing or i vow moving forward, to delete you lurking jerks. you only pretend to be anti social media and pretend like youre above it, but in fact what you do is worse, so much worse.

Uppers

so i know i haven't posted anything in a while, and trust me it's not for lack of things i want to say, but rather because my actual job has been occupying all 8 hours of my work day (how rude). but today i'd like to discuss something that affects all of us. maybe it's someone in your family, someone at work, or your very own spouse. but in some way, we are all affected by TOUP, the one-upper person. allow me to explain.

Jack: How was your weekend? (TOUP will always seem genuine at first, but this question is really just so they can answer)
Jane: Oh good, had a family party at that new restaurant down town, drank a bottle of wine by myself - so I'm paying for it today.
Jack: (TOUP will never acknowledge what you just said, because they weren't paying attention, they were just waiting for you to finish so they can answer their own question) Yea I drank like 4 bottles of wine, did 3 lines of coke, vomited on a stripper at the even newer restaurant uptown. And i don't even have a hangover. Crazy!

no Jack, or whoever you are in my life, it's not crazy. you're lying. and i can't call you out on it because when i do, the lie gets deeper and the story gets crazier - instead of one hooker there will be 5, instead of drinking 4 bottles of wine you will have drank 12. so instead you get away with always having to one-up me on my story. and it's fine, you just look like an ass.
this person can not resist the urge to constantly exaggerate their stories to make them appear cooler than yours. 

• if your commute was 2 hours, theirs was 3. 
• if you had 3 slices of pizza, they finished a pie. 
• if you can hold your breath for 1 minute, they can hold theirs 1 hour.

Amanda: oh it's so funny, my sisters kid just started talking and she repeated the word ass.
Andy: yea my brothers son said the word dick, hilarious! and then he walked around all day repeating it, we went to church and he said it to the priest. it was great.
(sometimes in a desperate attempt to one-up you, they make them self or others around them, look bad)

Bob: What do you have for lunch?
Beatrice: Tuna sandwich.
Bob: Me too! (and you think wow, no one-upping, but alas...) it's this new kind of tuna, it has zero mercury and was caught off the coast of South Africa or something, they can it and send it to whole foods, its so delicious. it's really expensive, but worth it.

the worst part is we all know someone like this, but dont confront them. or maybe you have and then quickly learned its pointless. so whenever TOUP in your life tells a story or answers a question., we just smile and nod, but on the inside we are like:

living the NIGHTMARE

let me just start off with a little story, the story that scarred me for life. i was around 7 or 8, wearing a tie-dye purple dress and matching hat, white stockings, and black shoes. i was in the little girls room in the lunch room of PS 207 (my elementary school). i went into the bathroom, and came out a changed person. i walked out, into a lunch room filled with peers, paraded back to my seat (which was halfway across the lunch room) and that's when someone alerted me to my little friend. my little white friend. hanging from the inside of my underwear, over my stockings, under my dress, and to the floor. toilet paper. i dragged this paper across the lunchroom, and people noticed. and i died. i blame that incident for my fear of public restrooms to this day. my family thinks im nuts, but they don't know the fear.

i will very, very rarely use a public restroom. it must be an emergency. i will only pee at work, limited times per day. this has caused outrageous stomach pains, but it's worth it to me. if someone else comes into the bathroom while im in there, i feel violated. think about it - you are basically sitting there listening to someone else's bodily functions, and maybe smelling them. no fucking thank you. the idea of sharing that very private deed with someone else, is horrifying. this isnt the animal kingdom. this is a workplace. i do not need to know that you pee like a racehorse and then stare at you from across the conference room table.

now i am not just this paranoid because of that one incident (although, that is enough). i am a chronic toilet clogger. and no, it's not why youre thinking. i have literally put 5 squares in a toilet and clogged it! i have been on countless family vacations and had to call the maintenance guy for a plunger. which by the way, why dont hotel rooms come stocked with plungers? why do i have to look a maintenance man in the eye at 3am? why do i have to insist i unclog it, because they ALWAYS want to.

between the embarrassment of that childhood memory and the fear of clogging and no plunger in site. public restrooms are my arch nemesis. and somehow on monday, i faced off with my arch nemesis and i lost.

note this is not actually what happened
just how it felt in that moment.

it was 5:15 on monday. i wanted to use the facilities before i got on the bus to head home. i went in, did my business, and flushed. except, what's this? the toilet didn't flush. so i held the handle down (this may be where i tempted fate). at first the water went down, slowly, very slowly. and i knew something was brewing. then the toilet paper got sucked down, again slowly. then it happened. my literal worst nightmare. the water started to rise. now being a professional clogger, i had seen this before - but never at work. it was going to stop, i was sure of it. but alas, it didnt. at that moment i forgot whether the stall door was a push or pull. i am on my tippy toes, in my own toilet water, panicking.

i walk quietly back to my desk and make an all too familiar phone call to maintenance. then i write a dreaded e-mail to my fellow ladies in the office, alerting them to the shameful disaster that is the bathroom flood. the worst part of it all, no one responded. not even a "thanks for the heads up!" . just judging silence. it's okay, i would've done the same thing.

so basically i will die from a kidney related infection from never using a public restroom again, ever, in life.

oh Oscar

i know, i know - you follow me on twitter and were sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for my every tweet about the Oscars (or something like that). but this was the first time, in a long time, that i watched the entire event, pre-show and all. here is what i thought.


FASHION

 6) Lupita Nyong'o : if you start viewing her attire from the floor up, she's a 10. gorg color for her skin tone, love the deep neck line (busty girls around the world all envied her in that moment), no necklace..tre chic! but then we get to the headband. i don't get it? a headband is meant to hold hair back. she has a super chic hair-do and then it's like her stylist said "oh shit we forgot the headband" and threw it on in the car. maybe some chandelier earrings and no headband next time?

5) Cate Blanchett: this bitch makes me look like Lupita. her dress was literally the color of her pasty skin. and so were the accents of her dress. and her hair. ALL THE SAME COLOR. making it look like she was wearing a dress made of her own, old skin tags.

4) Anne Hathaway: first of all i'm going to go on record and say her smile is waaaay to big. she no longer has the appeal of sweetheart, but for some reason looks like a realllll bitch.  she cut her hair for les mis and no one has told her it makes her look like a tool. that dress was blinding, and not in a "damn girl yo bling is ahmazzzinggg" type of way. it looked like a dress off the rack of JC Penney prom 2014. ears, eyes, nose, teeth--all too big for a short haircut. grow it out, get a tan, and maybe Macy's next year?

3) Liza Minnelli: i know, shes a legend and can wear what she wants, but can she? maybe this was her audition outfit for Aladdin on broadway? she's literally wearing silk pajamas and black orthopedic shoes.thank god no one got pizza oil on her outfit, that shit would've stained like a mother fucker.



2) Kerry Washington: i know that she's pregnant, but come on. she is literally wearing fabric held together by a rhinestone bobby pin. no one should ever wear that material (see also Viola Davis). it wrinkles, is not flattering (even if you are a TWIG) and looks cheap. also just because you're pregnant does not mean you cant accentuate your curves (see Olivia Wilde). kerry is a gorgeous girl, in a frumpy sack.

1) Whoopi Goldberg: what in the actual fuck happened. did she wake up and go "holy shit, the oscar's are tonight!", throw on a pirate shirt, a rando black gown in her closet, party city beads, and say yes, this will work. i mean i know she's like this casual dresser, but it's the damn oscars. what happened whoopi? all she had to do was take off the pirate shirt and it would have instantly been better. and if she's modest, throw on a shawl. anything, literally anything but what she had on would've been ok.


yes there were women who looked fab but where is the fun in complimenting them? they know they're fucking hot.

but let's be honest, the night was all about the men. and their colorful tux choices. 

i LOVED them! lets take a moment to admire....

red hot, am i right?

mature blue

funny man in blue, that color though

is this picture even legal?!

oh, that's just my hottie husband ;)

i digress.

MOMENTS
6) Brad Pitt handing out paper plates
5) Bill Murray's reaction to the singing acceptance speech for '20 feet from stardom' 
4) The ultimate selfie. (it just makes you realize everyone loves a fucking selfie, so selfie haters, shove it)
3) When Ellen talked about Jonah Hill's dick and his adorably cute uncomfortable face
2) When Gravity DID NOT win best picture

Speaking of Gravity. How the hell did the academy even think that movie, was a movie? literally pointless. granted i watched a boot leg, so i definitely missed out on some of the cool cinematography and special effects, but still. worst. movie. ever. the best part was that it was only 90 minutes. i thought the version we downloaded cut off the beginning because it felt like the movie started at some random half-way point. george clooney had a cameo at best, i think he may have even asked to be killed off because he knew it was terrible. sandra's hair is literally disgusting. her barking, oscar worthy. no character development, AT ALL. she told the story of her 4 year old daughter dying, and i did not give a fuck. (this coming from someone who cant watch a commercial without crying) the copy we had actually stopped with 3 minutes left to the movie, and i was okay with never seeing the ending, although we did. and let's just mention that (spoiler) she lands back on earth on what appears to be a deserted island, or maybe there are natives, either way, she is not in the clear, she can still die. and in my ending, she did.

and my #1 fave moment didn't happen at the oscar's, but after. this amazingly epic, epic photo.

'oh so hipster' andy samberg, 'sweet smiling' nick offermen, 'deer in the headlight' adam scott, 'im gonna drop her' bill hader, 'im not strong enough for this' bill murray, 'im too strong for this' paul rudd, and 'she may be sucking my finger' megan mullally - all holding up the amazing 'am i drunk?' amy poehler.

(god why aren't these my friends?)

why this happened ...

i wasn't going to say anything, BUT i'm getting sick of people comparing what Beyonce did on the grammy's to what mylie did on the VMAs.

let me make my first point: SHE IS BEYONCE. (even though i shouldn't have to go on, i will)

two words. gor - geous.

secondly, she is a grown ass woman, who has earned respect among colleagues and the public with her TALENT. she did not come onto the music scene as this sex crazed maniac (ahem ri-ri).  yes, she had a song titled "bootylicious", but it wasn't sexually offensive, it was kitchy if anything, even lame (sorry bey). she wasn't out sleeping with half of young Hollywood, although lord knows she could have. instead she focused on her work. like an artist should. she keeps her private life ridiculously private considering her fame, so if she wants to let us in, then by all means, the people are waiting (and if you aren't, turn the other cheek and let me know so i can cut you out my life)!

oh come on people!

thirdly, she didnt do this sexual performance to get a reaction. and i will confidently say this. she did it, because she fucking wanted to. and when you're the queen, that's what you do. mylie and co. do things just to push the envelope. beyonce doesn't need to push the envelope - she sets it, slaps a stamp on it, mails it to herself, and then sets it on fire.

she does not need your permission.

fourth, she is a married woman. it's not like she's singing about having sex or being sexual with loads of guys or guys she doesn't know or one night stands. the queen is talking about riding her kings surfboard (surfboart as the internet so lovingly puts it). she is empowering the married woman to maintain a hot love life. keep preaching bey, your congregation is in session.

too  much power for one photo, blue had to look away.

fifth, (and not last, but last for the sake of i can go on forever) people find it necessary to mention that she is a mother. she's also a performer, singer, artist, dancer, sex goddess, and wife. so let's not just focus on one of the hats she wears. also, i have a mother, who - how should i say this - is expressive at times. it doesn't take away from the fact that she is a great mother. so when blue ivy is old enough to see this performance, she wont think my mom is a disgusting pig (shell probably be embarrassed cause its her mom) but guess what, later that day they'll go swimming in the turquoise ocean of st. tropez, while jay smokes a cigar on their yacht, and they listen to the blueprint and reminisce about what an expansive career and fucking fantastic life they have.

god damn.

how dare!

this post is dedicated to the spineless, heartless, dick less, soulless, asshole that stole my phone in the staten island mall. i decided to break it into some bullet points demonstrating how you too can have the most stressful two days ever!

• start off saying the day before you need to back up your iPhone, you are then guaranteed to lose it the next day.
• find a room in AC for only $29 (it was showboat, not some seedy off the boardwalk one) and decide you need a well deserved break. hey it's only $29, how can one resist!
• stop at the staten island mall on the way to the AC to look at some living room sets. next, leave the store to think about your purchase, go use that KASE gift you were given. (in case you don't know, KASE personalizes phone cases with your own photos. way to many cases' in this sentence.)
• eat at the food court while waiting for your case to be made, a lovely photo of you and your husband.
• get your phone, and fall instantly in love with the adorable photo. (this next step is crucial when you want to lose/have your phone stolen)
• go to the restroom. place your phone on top of the toilet paper dispenser and LEAVE THE REST ROOM.
• proceed to the crepe stand and notice that your phone is missing (dont worry, it only takes 45 seconds for someone to steal and shut off your phone)
• run back to said bathroom and notice that your phone is gone. run into the security office a mere 10 feet from the bathroom and hear the inevitable news that no one turns in iPhone's  even when they have personalized cases. (exhibit A) or when they see your fucking wedding photo as the lock screen (exhibit B)

  

  exhibit A

  
  

  

  exhibit B

at this point i know that my phone is stolen and i will never get it back. whomever took it was a professional. they turned that phone off faster than i was able to say banana nutella crepe. im not saying it was 100% stolen, i did leave it in the bathroom, but then someone saw my smiling face and took my phone without hesitation. they could've left the fucking case and taken the phone! and let's be honest, its 2014 - who doesn't have a smartphone of some kind at this point? what did the only woman left on the planet with a samsung flip phone enter the stall after me and hit the jackpot? these next few steps must be followed in order to really ensure your blood pressure sky rockets.

• after you are behind schedule to head to AC by 3 hours, go back to the furniture store. the two living room sets you were contemplating between, ball out of control - get the more expensive one. hell, open a new macy's card!
• hit the road for AC, don't gamble (seriously, we didnt), and get drunk.
• head home the next day, and begin the most enjoyable task of calling verizon.
• have them tell you that you don't have insurance, and that if you use your upgrade you lose your unlimited data. 
• ask them what the incentive is to stay with them when other companies offer unlimited? (don't expect an answer, they don't have one)
• realize your only option is to buy an iPhone straight up and then have verizon connect it for you. (you must spend at least 2 hours on the phone with verizon, screaming and bursting veins though) once you are about to have heart failure, your mom offers to pay for the phone as an early birthday gift. (that last part is crucial to your survival)
• the closest apple store? staten island. back into the belly of the beast you go.
• head to the apple store (in your moms car, who you dropped off and you forgot to take the key from. so now one person has to be in the car at all times, because if you shut the car off, it will not start up again.)
• after a few back and forths between your husband and you going into the apple store, getting a new case, and some more arguing with verizon, (everyone who works at apple in staten island has no idea what they're doing and will give 100% wrong information) you will find yourself with a new iPhone 5c in green.

so a weekend that started with a feeling of saving money because we found a room for only $29, ended up being one of the most expensive weekends we've had, ever. there is no lesson here. verizon, apple, staten island - they all suck. and to whoever has my phone (that is useless to you) i hope my face burns a hole into your brain and you wake up nightly from nightmares. you just took over 1,500 photos of mine, numbers, calendar dates, my jay-z videos, and my phone. MY phone. you're the biggest asshole of them all.

no business like snow business

*when i told a friend of mine i was preparing to blog about this topic, she asked me if i was prepared to take the risk of writing, knowing i have teacher friends. hope this answers that.

as i sit here, in the comforts of my home, working, browsing facebook, i can't help but laugh at the status' that flood my news feed. there are many times a status is posted from a specific professional, and i swallow what i'd really like to say, but today it's earned a piece of my mind.

let me first start by saying this, there are other jobs in the world aside from being a teacher or working for the DOE. (shocker!) actually wait, what i really want to say first is, if you are a teacher (because i do know many) and you are going to get offended, sorry i guess.

think back to when you were a kid, lets say elementary school, and it snowed. what a glorious fucking event. maybe school wasnt closed but your parents let you stay home anyway or maybe you went to school and just played board games all day.

think back to, lets say, high school. a snow day was your call. you either went in or you didnt. (basically that was every day in high school though) or college, did your campus close? classes canceled? rolled over and just said fuck it? your call, you're an 'adult' now after all.

think back to this morning, when you woke up and saw close to a foot of snow outside. in your adult mind, if you truly felt it was dangerous to go to work, why did you? dont you have sick days, personal days, or fuck off days? im pretty sure if you called your devilish principal, (similar to how i called my boss) and said "conditions are dangerous today, im staying home", there would be no firing squad. yes i know not everyone has the luxury or flexibility with their job that they can work from home, and i am grateful that i do have that luxury. and yes maybe you'd have to take a day without pay, but isnt that better than risking your life (as some people have put it, that their commute was risking their life!). and guess what, if you called out, the world would not stop and the school would not crumble. if enough teachers called out and not enough subs showed, they'd throw on a movie and put all the kids in the auditorium. you will not lose your job, over one good call that you're making, regarding your safety. and if you were ever challenged on it, isn't there a union? ( cue rolling of eyes from teachers about how terrible the teachers union is and how it doesnt offer the help it should) 

this also applies to parents too by the way. if you are a stay at home parent, or can work from home, or have taken off, why complain about sending your kids to school? just keep them home. just because the man says school is open, doesn't mean you have to send them. thats the beauty of being a parent, you can make that judgement call!  and trust me, a few snow days will not stop them from getting into Harvard (that weekend trip to miami you let them take to an edc concert will ... i digress). 

i respect teachers. hell i wanted to be one for the longest time, but come on. if you really felt that strongly about the conditions and schools being open, then stay the fuck home! no one has a gun to your head or has threatened to fire you if you do not show up (and if they have, speak up!). there is no need to wake up, realize your commute is dangerous, proceed anyway, and then want anyone to feel bad for you for making the decision to go into work. kudos to everyone who had to go to work today. kudos to everyone who made a judgement call that it was too dangerous and stayed home. 

also, let's not forget that in 4 months, you'll have that sweet, sweet summer break. (and to any teachers reading this that are brushing this off as 'jealousy' of your job or me just being a bitch, maybe you're right, about both.) but its mostly just because your complaints about the horrible system and snow days and the mayor and common core and whatever else, are insanely annoying.

thanks Ryan, i will.